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| Chapter 12 — Stories Of Violent Women And Abused Men In Colorado |
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Since this web site went public in November of 1999 we have received thousands of emails, letters, and phone calls from or about abused men. Our sample is not valid statistically in any fashion and the individuals are often not even self-selected as men don't tell. Commonly we hear about the abuse from the man's parents (usually his mother), his sister, brother, cousin, or other relative, his new girlfriend, or even a neighbor.
While not a statistically valid sample, the problems these men have tend to cluster into specific types that are of qualitative interest. However, the real damage these men suffer often isn't at the hands of their intimate partner, though many are maimed and murdered before they can escape. But, almost inevitably, the primary abuse these men have suffered is at the hands of a legal system gone mad.
Abused men who contact us, or whose problems are described to us by those close to them, have typically:
• Lost their jobs, homes, and professional licenses. This category includes cases where the men lost their security clearances or could no longer carry a gun (police and military particularly). We also have numerous cases of medical doctors, dentists, stockbrokers, hazardous material truck drivers, powder monkeys, etc., losing their licenses as well. The Emerson case is but one egregious example.
• Are now destitute and often living on the streets, in their car, with relatives, or in friend's homes.
• Called the police because she attacked him, usually with a weapon, and the police came and arrested him, or made no arrest at all. For revenge, she then commonly called the police and claimed he attacked her, and the police then arrested him. To add credence to her claim she will commonly scratch or bruise herself, or break things in the home before the police arrive.
• Called the police because she was abusing the children and, when he tried to protect the little ones, she attacked him. When the police were called they arrested him and the courts subsequently gave her full custody of the children she is abusing.
• Found evidence his wife was having an affair. She then charged him with domestic violence or got a restraining order to cover her adultery. By doing so she got possession of the kids, the house, the car, the checking account, and everything else he owned. For married men this is the largest single grouping with about half the married men we hear about falling in this category. More than half the men we've heard from, or about, are married or he was living with her (common law).
• Found he is being stalked by a former wife or girlfriend who is using the legal system to harass him with DV charges and restraining orders in addition to the phone calls, vandalism, visitation games, etc., she is playing. Often when she finds him she uses her cell phone to call police and claim he has violated the restraining order and has him arrested. A variation on this are vindictive girlfriends who get a restraining order that keeps a man from his own home or apartment, which she then often trashes or steals everything from.
• Have lost all contact with any children they had for months and years. Commonly they were arrested or harassed if they've tried to contact their children.
• Found she has an uncontrollable substance abuse problem, a mental disorder, or both, and is using the legal system, victim's advocates, and women's shelters to harass and charge him with everything short of the rape of the Sabine women (though I think some men even get charged with that). It appears that the crazier a woman is the better “victim” she makes for the DV industry.
• Found that their military or police service is used against them in court. The redfem mantra is that such men are “trained killers.” Such ad hominem attacks seem to be most common against men who have served in the elite branches of the military, e.g., Marines, Seals, Special Forces (Green Berets), and Rangers.
• Have been batted like a shuttlecock between judges. It is not uncommon to hear from men who have been before twelve to fifteen different judges, none of whom have taken the trouble to read the case documents or attempt to understand the issues in the case.
• Have spent from three months to ten years or more in jail though they had no police record prior to meeting this woman and very often there is no evidence of violence whatsoever. Includes cases where men lost their jobs because of the false allegations she made against them, were laid off during the recession, or the court “imputed” income they did not have and could not pay child support, and they were jailed for contempt of court (debtor's prison).
• Are victims of paternity fraud. Women commonly use restraining orders or allegations of domestic violence or child abuse to keep a “father” away from children they know or suspect their husband or lover is not the biological father of. That is done so that he can't get DNA paternity tests done but she can collect child support from him. When men don't pay the child support for these children they are thrown in jail even when they have managed to prove they are not the biological father.
• Are suffering from one or more symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), virtually without exception. Sleeplessness, paranoia, nervousness, nightmares, impotence, flashbacks, dissociative episodes, depression, physical or mental breakdowns, etc., are so common we hardly even ask about them, and simply take them as a given. Associated problems with attempts at self medication with alcohol and sleep medication, e.g., Ambien, are also a routine part of the problems encountered.
• Suffered severe health problems. Heart attacks, seizures, asthma, vision problems, are common. Any preexisting health problems are exacerbated. Many men become totally disabled as a result of the stress of false allegations and losing their children, homes, jobs, and everything they worked for.
There are, of course, many individual stories that don't include these components and seldom are two stories from different men the same. Age is often a factor and I always ask if the woman is over 35 as perimenopause can put many women over the edge. Young girls are the most violent of all with upwards of 30% or more teenage and college-age women reporting they initiated violence in their relationships in several studies.
For those men who can afford to defend themselves in these cases, legal fees commonly exceed $100,000 and minimum attorney fees are likely to be at least $5,000.
It is no secret that during their “discussions” of his affairs, President Clinton and his wife threw things at each other. As a male, you would be arrested for “domestic violence” for throwing something at your wife. But, of course, should your femme throw things at you, they are just expressing and defending themselves.
Stories of abused and murdered men from 48 other states can be found on the Equal Justice Foundation parent site. A number of additional stories of what men endure at the hand's of their intimate partners can be found in Cook's 1998 book on abused men. MenWeb posts a number of first-hand stories of abused men as well.
Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE) carries several first-hand accounts of men who have suffered abuse at the hands of their female partners. John #1's story is particularly appalling given the abuse and beatings he suffered both from his wife and the police. Note that passage of stiffer domestic violence laws in Canada made John's position much worse.
Dan's story is that of a police officer who was abused by his wife to the point where he flinches if a woman moves too suddenly around him. We have personal experience with that reaction.
The Toronto Sun also carried an article in 1994 giving first-hand accounts of domestic violence against men. There are also numerous incidents of sexual abuse by women with men, boys, other women, and girls their victims.
Stories of Irish men who have been abused can be found on the Amen site.
In an article on domestic violence, Cathy Young relates the following:
“One New Jersey case in my files speaks volumes about most advocates' view of female violence. Brenda C. was admitted to a shelter after being arrested for assaulting her husband (during a divorce) and ordered out of their home. A letter to her attorney from a shelter counselor gave a fairly accurate account of what happened: In an argument, 'Mrs. C. grabbed Mr. C. by his necktie (and) he pushed her away. Mrs. C. then punched his face and her nail cut his neck.' This was listed as 'physical abuse' of Brenda by her husband.”
We have had personal experience where a man was arrested after the wife assaulted him and then claimed the reverse had happened. A jury found him not guilty but the costs were in the tens of thousands of dollars.
In her October 31, 1999, column, Kathleen Parker cites a 1994 AP story with the headline “Couple's Makeup Kiss Gets A Bit Nippy For Husband.” The couple had a fight and the wife claimed she wanted to kiss and make up. However, what she did was bite off the end of his tongue.
Also look at Erin Pizzey's work with violent women. Her descriptions of what she describes as “family terrorists” will ring eerily true for many men who have been the victims of domestic abuse. Her book, Prone to Violence, is available on the Web and we strongly recommend you read it if abuse is a factor in your life.
You may also be a victim of the divorce-related malicious mother syndrome if you are going through a divorce.
Violence among homosexual domestic partners is also very high. Studies indicate that the most violent relationships of all are lesbian couples, where the abuse rates are likely above 50%. Patricia Pearson reports (p. 131) that in one survey of 100 battered lesbians it was found that four of the women couldn't go to their local shelter for protection because their abusers worked there.
If you are enduring mental and physical abuse from the female in your life, the stories in the following sections tell of what other Colorado men have endured. These stories should show you that you are not alone.
The stories have been gathered from many sources in a rather random fashion. Many are taken from the Denver Post and the Colorado Springs Gazette. In addition, only the most extreme attacks against males are typically included in newspaper stories. As a result it is estimated that these vignettes represent no more than one in a thousand such incidents of violence against men in Colorado.
Other sources, including a number of men who have written us about their abuse, are used whenever available.
These stories are not meant to serve as evidence admissible in court, or to present a gender-balanced view of domestic violence. Nor are they comprehensive or complete in any sense. They do often illustrate what men are enduring under the current laws and, to some extent, the frequency with which these events occur.
These vignettes are presented in the hope that the laws may be changed to provide equal justice, and the problem of domestic violence and abuse approached with the intent of solving the problem rather than simply blaming men, as is currently done. Clearly, domestic violence and abuse is a human problem, not a gender issue.
We have concentrated on incidents that occurred in Colorado but events elsewhere are included when they involved friends or relatives of ours and, beginning in late 2000, stories of abused men from other states are included.
Attempted murders by Colorado women are included by year in the following stories but domestic homicides have been described in a separate section.
If you have suffered physical or mental abuse from a female partner and would like to have your summarized story included, please e-mail us at: comments@ejfi.org . Anonymity will be preserved unless advised otherwise.
The common thread throughout most of these stories is the physical, fiscal, and emotional abuse the men suffer when the police are called. In many ways the abuse men suffer from the current laws is often worse than the violence and abuse they suffer from the women in their lives.
Names of the women involved are included when they have been published, where they held a public office, e.g., a U.S. attorney, an FBI agent, a Denver deputy DA, deputy sheriffs, policewomen, advocates for victims of domestic violence, and the wife of a Colorado state representative are listed. Names are also given when describing these women's convictions, or when names are stated in published articles where the source is stated.
| EJF Home | Join the EJF | Comments? | Get EJF newsletter | Newsletters |
| DV Home | Abstract | Contents | Tables | Index | Bibliography |
| Chapter 12 — Stories Of Violent Women And Abused Men In Colorado |
| Next — Anecdotes from friends, acquaintances, and other sources in Colorado |
This site is supported and maintained by the Equal Justice Foundation.