Defensive Male Actions Under The Current Laws by Charles E. Corry, Ph.D.
Defensive Male Actions Under The Current Laws by Charles E. Corry, Ph.D.© 2002 Equal Justice Foundation
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One of the few defenses a male in a relationship has under the current domestic abuse laws is to leave. That may at least give you a chance to pack your belongings and make some plans.
In today's climate there is a good chance you will never be able to come back if you leave. She is very likely to claim that you assaulted her, or physically or sexually abused the children.
It may be of some use to recognize the danger signs and read stories of what other men have gone through to understand what you are in for and, perhaps, prepare yourself.
Abusive relationships usually don't happen all of sudden. There are usually a number of precursors. We have listed many danger signs in another section.
If the conversation goes south let her know that her behavior is unacceptable and end the discussion. Leave if you have to. She wants to fight with you but, to a certain degree, you can establish limits on what you are willing to tolerate.
We also strongly recommend you read Erin Pizzey's section on emotional terrorists to help understand what you are probably facing. The police and courts are not on your side in a domestic situation and truth and justice are the first casualties of the battle.
If you see the charges coming (most men don't), and you have good evidence, you might try filing a domestic abuse restraining order against her. We suggest consulting an attorney before doing this, and having the attorney accompany you to the courthouse in order to file the restraining order. The victim's assistance women (male-haters anonymous) will not help you, as they would a woman. In fact, without your attorney present they may well be able to prevent you from filing. Face the fact that the court system is not on your side now or at any point in the proceedings. However, filing a restraining order against her is a dangerous game for a man as she will then commonly file a restraining order against him, which the court is almost certain to grant. While the penalties of a restraining order may not have much effect on her, and likely won't be enforced anyway, you will be subject to such penalties as loss of your guns, etc.
While the abuse and violence are growing many men employ various methods to attempt to diffuse potentially violent situations:
• Go into another room, the garage, or lock themselves away in a safe place.
• Leave the dwelling, go to family or friends (but they commonly make the mistake of failing to tell anyone the real reason).
• Sleep in their car, shed, garage, or wherever they can find shelter.
• Promise to do whatever she asks or demands.
• Accept responsibility for all sorts of untrue accusations.
• Cover up for their violent partner.
Other possibly useful suggestions can be found in the article Planning To Deal With Domestic Violence Before It Happens.
These are all survival tactics but they will not stop her attacks. We also offer a number of suggestions on what you might do to keep the situation from escalating out of control in another section.
Other defense tactics may include:
• Try to keep at least 8-10 feet away from her at all times. If she advances, casually move back.
• If forced out of the house, or you left voluntarily, and there is any history or threat of her filing a false DV claim, do not enter the house or apartment under any circumstances unless accompanied by the police or at least one other witness.
• If you manage to get her out of your house or apartment, change the locks on all doors immediately, and bar all windows and sliding doors. A burglar alarm may also be a useful investment. Video surveillance, as described on the next page, is also commonly essential.
• If you have to approach the house alone (not recommended) it is suggested you ring the doorbell, then step away from the door and perhaps even on to the public sidewalk. Let her speak with you completely in public view. Do not enter the home and carry a portable tape recorder.
• If you drive to her home, it can be quite useful to keep a camcorder running in the car and pointed at the door. Even if it is sideways, it will corroborate any physical interactions and if she begins screaming the camcorder may pick up the sound as well.
Most men will do almost anything in the vain hope of stopping the abuse. What they fail to do is record the incidents, injuries, or pattern of events. If you are bruised, cut, or otherwise injured, take photographs and keep them in a safe place with notes on the back of them as to date, time, place (a camera with an accurate date/time stamp feature is a big plus), and a brief description of the incident. Write every single event, time and date down in a notebook. No matter how trivial write it down and be sure to keep a copy somewhere other than your house so that you can get to it after she files charges or a restraining order.
In later legal actions such evidence will be critical. However, be sure and keep this evidence in a place she doesn't have access to or know about outside the house. Leaving copies with friends or relatives you can trust is also a good idea but it is best not to let anyone else know you are taking pictures or making recordings. Word gets around. It is also damaging to let the kids know, so keep them out of it entirely. In far too many cases we have heard from men who collected such evidence only to have the woman destroy it when she found it (a felony, but she is a woman so there is no penalty) or take out a restraining order that prevented the man from retrieving the evidence he had.
Audio tapes may also be useful but may be difficult to get entered into evidence. If the court does allow them to enter you will probably need to have them transcribed as well. If the court will not allow audio evidence to enter you can, however, testify (from notes) as to what is on the tapes.
If you are married a divorce is always difficult, and emotions run high especially if you have children. But you may have no other choice under current laws. Remember, under VAWA, if she files charges of domestic violence against you and you are convicted, plead guilty, accept a plea bargain, accept a deferred sentence, or plead no contest, primary and legal custody of your children will go to her. Also, you probably won't be able to see your children for a year or two, if ever, except under supervised visitation that you will pay for.
Don't let an alcoholic or emotionally-disturbed woman drag you down to her level. If she is emotionally or mentally disturbed you will find yourself losing your own points of reference in trying to deal with her. However, you must stay on the high road and keep an even keel, no matter how great the effort.
Remember that it is likely you picked her. That may mean your emotional gears are attracted to sick women and this may not be your first abusive relationship. If so, you have work to do learning about yourself so you don't find yourself in yet another sick relationship. And review the common characteristics of dangerous women before becoming involved again.
In Corry v Rizzo the Colorado Court of Appeals has held that a wife does not owe fiduciary duty (any further financial responsibility) to her husband once they begin discussing the possibility of a divorce. The reverse probably isn't true, however. Note that Corry began discussing divorce with Rizzo when he found evidence she was having an affair.
Therefore, once trouble begins, for your own protection, you must cancel any joint credit or debit cards, close any joint checking or savings accounts, terminate any credit lines, or any other financial instruments you hold jointly. Otherwise she is almost certain to empty these accounts of any cash, run up the credit cards to their limits, take out any cash advances or loans she can, and any other dirty trick she can think of. Trust us, she will be quite creative with the dirty tricks.
When you open new accounts in your name be certain that your paycheck, or other income you may have, is going entirely to your new account(s).
In many cases it will be much cheaper and easier simply to sign things like title to your house over to her rather than pay many thousands of dollars to attorneys. If you don't then the court will likely give her title anyway and require you to make the payments on it as well, in addition to her attorney fees. Unless you have well over $50,000 in equity in joint property it is almost always cheaper to simply give title to her and tell the mortgage company you are walking away from the house after giving them a copy of the quitclaim deed.
Another option we have seen used successfully is to transfer title of the house into a trust for your children. That will probably require that you continue to make payments and provide insurance on the house but will avoid many attorney fees and she won't own it, or be able to sell it. Some cooperation from your wife may be necessary to use that option, however.
If you have two (or more) cars sign one over to her immediately and formally transfer title and insurance to her.
Change the beneficiary on all insurance policies, accounts, trusts, and in your will (make one if you don't have one) to your children or some other party than your wife immediately before or after you begin discussing divorce. The Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) will dictate what changes you can make to the designated beneficiaries for your retirement and insurance accounts. Generally your wife must get at least one-half of all your accounts in the event of your death until the divorce is final. For your own safety it is probably better and wiser to cancel any insurance you own rather than carry your wife or significant other as a beneficiary through the breakup.
If she has taken out an insurance policy on you, particularly a large one, with her as the beneficiary, it is very likely your life is in danger at this point. Cancel that policy immediately if you can (you can't cancel a policy she owns) or change the beneficiary if you are not married so that she doesn't benefit in case of your sudden and inexplicable demise. If you can't cancel the policy, or change the beneficiary you should remain a discrete distance from her. We suggest a minimum of 500 miles, with 1,000 probably much safer. You should review Dr. Farrell's Twelve Female Only Defenses in such cases. It can happen to you. Far too many men have paid with their lives when the wife or sweetheart wanted the insurance money.
By now it should be obvious that your best defense in many cases is simply not to get married in the first place. Unfortunately, that is exactly the goal of the radical feminists behind these draconian laws and policies.
Though it is a felony to destroy evidence, women commonly do it anyway with little fear they will be prosecuted. So keep any diaries, records, photographs, tape recordings, etc., outside the house or apartment where she can't get at them. If you have a lawyer, be sure he has either the originals or good copies and keep him up to date.
Men also commonly fail to tell any family members of the situation, and make excuses for their injuries, even when they are injured so severely that they must go to the hospital or a doctor. They fear the humiliation and stigma of disclosure even when her violence is life-threatening.
But the only way to permanently stop the abuse and violence is to leave, no matter how difficult that may be. And the earlier you get out of the relationship after the abuse and violence begins, the better off you are and likely the easier it will be. Abused women are told: "If he hits you once, that's a warning. If he hits you again, that's the end of it." That is excellent advice for a man as well.
If the safety of your children is a concern, ask the court to let you keep them, or let them stay with their grandparents or other relatives. One method might be to say you are taking them on a visit to grandma's house and then simply leave them there if the grandparents are up to the battle that will inevitably ensue.
Putting them in a foster home would be a last resort rather than returning them to an abusive mother and, quite probably, her new boyfriend. Realistically, it is very unlikely the court will grant such a request if the children are initially left in her custody. Possession is often the deciding factor in child custody disputes. That is a basic reason why so many women file false allegations of abuse or violence as the restraining order de facto determines custody. Your best bet may be to take the children with you if you can.
If she is assaulting you, about your only option is to leave as the police will likely arrest you if 911 is dialed. If she is assaulting the children, and you are concerned for their safety, take them with you. Leave with whatever you have on and, hopefully, your wallet and car keys. Don't try to talk to her, pack your clothes, or restrain her unless your personal safety is at stake. Just get out as quickly as you can!
If you are not present when the police arrive the chances of your being charged and arrested are greatly reduced. Officers are not as likely to find "probable cause" when they arrive if you are gone, particularly where there is no clear cut evidence of a fight or injuries. But be aware that many women are known to fake injuries or go to an emergency room and claim they've been assaulted in order to get their partner arrested. They may even call the police the next day and claim they were assaulted but were afraid to call before in order to get you arrested.
Before or after you have left, on the basis of whatever flimsy and unsubstantiated story she may invent, the court will almost certainly grant her at least a temporary restraining order if she asks. If you have filed a retraining order against her, bet on her doing the same in spades.
If any part of the above situations apply to you, follow your attorney's advice to the letter and stay as far away from her as possible until the permanent orders hearing. No phone calls to her or the kids, no letters, no driving by the house, no messages through friends(?), and, most especially, no threats or hostile actions. Preferably leave the state until the hearing unless you have the kids with you. You are a lamb being led to slaughter unless you stay away. Silence, distance, and a good lawyer are your only protection. And the fact that the domestic violence laws are an unemployment relief act for hordes of American attorneys has been duly noted.
With an attorney, a man has a slim chance of preventing the restraining order from becoming permanent. But remember that hearsay is admissible, and you will not be able to talk to her, or any of her friends before the hearing without violating the temporary restraining order. And if you do violate the order, however inadvertently or innocently, e.g., passing her on the highway, the likely outcome is jail and she gets the order (as well as the house and kids) made permanent because you have conclusively demonstrated how dangerous you are.
If, despite your best efforts to get clear you are charged with domestic violence, your best bet is to plead innocent and insist on a jury trial. What if you absolutely can't afford a lawyer? You are very unlikely to get a public defender in these circumstances, let alone a competent one. If the facts support you, you have a reasonable chance with a jury even without a lawyer if you spend the time and make the effort to learn how the court system works. Some courts now offer some help to pro se litigants. Take advantage of that if at all possible.
In the interim before your trial:
• Resist all temptations to plea bargain.
• Do not plead guilty, or no contest to the charges.
First, the District Attorney cannot plea bargain to a charge that does not include domestic violence under current law, C.R.S. § 18-6-801(3), no matter what they claim. Secondly, if you plead guilty or no contest, your nightmare is just beginning, and it is a lifetime sentence without possibility of parole. Third, a trial by the court will almost certainly result in your conviction. A trial to a judge by a man is just a long, slow way of pleading guilty.
A jury is your only hope. Fortunately, it is a reasonable hope. Juries are about the last functioning component of the American judicial system.
In the case of a restraining order, show up at the hearing in a suit and tie (hard to do, we know, since your clothes are probably in what is now her house), hair neatly trimmed, and with any witnesses you can obtain. Don't argue with her or the judge but present your side of the case as quietly and concisely as possible. Some judges are now aware of the abuses of such restraining orders by many women and you might get lucky.
If the judge does grant her the restraining order, ask to have as many of the restrictions removed as possible, e.g., possession and use of alcohol, distance you must keep away, visitation with the kids, some form of contact to settle divorce issues, permission to return to your home one time for the purpose of retrieving your clothes and other possessions, and anything else you can reasonably request. It is difficult to get such orders changed later and Colorado now requires a four (4) year waiting period before you can request a modification to a permanent restraining order. A few judges try to make a somewhat balanced decision while hanging you out to dry.
If you are going through a divorce, make the court aware of that as a restraining order may be limited to the divorce and not made permanent. Don't be too optimistic about the outcome, however.
Buy or borrow whatever clothing and toiletries you need but don't go back to your house unless she moves out and you clear it with your attorney and the court beforehand. If absolutely necessary, on a one-time only basis, you can return for one-hour only to your house in the presence of a police officer to get what you can grab, and she doesn't contest, of your clothing and possessions. Bear in mind that the police are there to protect her, not you, as a Colorado University professor found out in December, 1997. His wife shot him to death in the presence of a female Boulder police officer while he was trying to get his gear in just this type of situation.
If you do exercise the escorted-return option, computers and camp gear would be our priority after clothing as stories abound of women trashing these items.
Better yet, you think a man shouldn't even become involved in a "domestic" relationship. Particularly if you've been burned once. Thus, the logical response of a man to the present laws is the adoption of the 3F Principle: Find, Fornicate, Forget.
After reading these lines, are you in search of a meaningful 30-minute relationship? Your logic is impeccable and that is where the feminist-inspired domestic violence laws are driving us. But by following the 3F principle you may be playing into feminist hands, as it is their oft-avowed intention to separate man and woman as parents and establish a matriarchal society. And under current laws a man must be functionally insane to marry and a drooling idiot to sire a child.
If you like sharing available women around a campfire, the present laws should be your ideal. However, it is our belief that this is a failed evolutionary path in human development, as we discuss in the evolution of families. That same point is made more forcefully by Dr. Amneus in his book The Garbage Generation. Erin Pizzey, who opened the first shelter for battered women in the world, regards the present feminist agenda as nothing less than the planned destruction of families. Further, we doubt the people passing these laws can handle making a fire, and that is about the level of technology society will support if current male oppression continues.
| Home | Abstract | Contents | Site Map | Tables | Index | Bibliography |
| Comments? | Get Newsletter | Help the EJF |
| Chapter 11 — The Male Perspective |
| Next — Surveillance methods as a defense |
| Back — A man and his castle |
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