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| Chapter 10 — The Female Of The Species |
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I' m seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind.
Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind.
She talks about closure and that validation bit.
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit.
Oh man she's got issues and I' m gonna pay
She's playing the victim and taking it all out on me
My God she's got issues and I' m gonna pay.
The Offspring “She's Got Issues,” 1998
Generalizations are not of much use to the male of the species. Men like to be quantitative. So what should be considered about that hot tomato you are linked up with?
Most married men are familiar with premenstrual syndrome (PMS) but you might want to visit Homelife Security, the PMS Advisory System for a reminder of what you can be in for.
The following caveats are composites from the experiences of hundreds of men who have contacted the Equal Justice Foundation. And if you have had experience with a type of dangerous woman we've missed, please let us know about it.
The feedback from men who have encountered the behavior patterns described here suggests these women are commonly quite pretty, petite and slender, and sexual relations with them are wild and exciting. So the tasty dish you've found who's humping your brains out may be quite dangerous (see reality check below). That is why this checklist has been found so useful and widely replicated on other sites.
Remember, with one of these women you are just a phone call away from being thrown out of your home, into jail, and given a lifetime sentence without possibility of parole, and probably without a hearing or trial. There is respectable evidence that the crazier a woman is, the more the DV industry welcomes and believes her. You are warned!
But we don't mean to imply all women are like this. At the end of this section we list desirable female characteristics and we know, work with, love, and respect many such women.
• Sex: Lets face it, sex is the driving motivation for most relationships. Now the story goes that god gave men two heads but only blood enough for one at a time. It isn't likely you were thinking with your big head when Cupcake first cozied up to you. But you are hardly the first man to behave like an idiot where sex was concerned and there have been some lessons learned.
First, never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself (from Murphy's Laws of Combat) and crazy in bed means she is almost certainly crazy in the head. As humorist Lewis Grizzard pointed out decades ago, being married to a nymphomaniac is a whole lot of fun for the first two weeks. So practice the primitive 3F principle but don't let your little head put you in jail.
• Paternity fraud: With the destruction of marriages wrought by current redfem laws there are many women looking to have children but need a sugar daddy to pay them child support in order to do so. The issue often becomes even more acute as a woman's biological clock runs out as she approaches perimenopause, usually around age 40, and she becomes desperate to have children. But there are many other scenarios in which a woman may name you as “father” of her child.
The classical scenario is one in which a woman attempts to trap you into marrying her by telling you she is pregnant. She may well be but are you the father of the child? In today's world there is a significant chance you are not. So always insist on a DNA paternity test before consenting to pay child support.
In his book How To Avoid Getting Screwed When Getting Laid, attorney RK Hendrick outlines many other ways men are tricked into becoming fathers, including women who poke holes in condoms, lie about using birth control pills, use semen from discarded condoms to impregnate themselves, and so on. Read his book and take all precautions before you unwittingly end up supporting children that may not even be yours.
And should you receive a notice of a paternity hearing or for child support be absolutely, positively sure you answer it and appear at the hearing. If you fail to do so it is quite likely a default judgment will be entered against you and you will be paying child support. As usual, you are guilty unless and until you can prove your innocence.
In most states once a paternity judgement or child support order has been entered, by default or otherwise, it is virtually impossible to change despite what future DNA tests may show.
•
Was she abused as a child?
A woman who claims that she was physically or sexually abused as a child is a likely candidate to be abusive as an adult. Worse, from your standpoint, she will know all the games to play, just who to call, and what to say when the abuse begins. Trust us, it won't be her whom she claims to be causing the abuse or perpetrating the violence.
• Does she hit you or throw things? It seems obvious but it may just seem cute, or funny, or done in play.
In one survey of college students, 20% of men who had been attacked by their girlfriends thought it was funny.
In the trial of a female FBI agent convicted of assaulting her husband, also an FBI agent, in their Fall River, Colorado home, he testified he should have laughed at her attack on him with a snow shovel.
But if she is hitting you while you are just dating, she will be more dangerous later. And remember when she gets mad, and the police are called, you will likely be the one arrested.
• Has she filed domestic violence charges or taken out restraining orders for abuse in the past against any of her previous partners? An easy way to find this out is to ask them how they feel about domestic violence during a philosophical discussion. You know, those long heart-to-heart talks you have when love is young.
In his excellent book How To Avoid Getting Screwed When Getting Laid, attorney RK Hendrick goes so far as to state a man should never let a woman he is romantically involved with into his home without first running a background check on her. Or, if she has lived in Colorado for some time, spending $7 to run a check on her at COcourts.com would be a wise investment. However, she may have changed her name and a bit of detective work may be necessary.
Does she refer to herself as a
“victim”
or a
“survivor”
of violence or abuse? Has she stayed in a women's shelter or worked for a domestic violence agency? These are red flags and in the other direction is the exit.
We suggest you get out now!
If she did it to him, can there be much doubt she would do it to you?
An attorney dealing with DV cases tells how he represented the boyfriend of a woman who first accused her husband of domestic violence. After her former husband was found innocent, the husband recommended the attorney to her new lover after she, in turn, accused the new boyfriend of domestic violence. Such women are known as serial false accusers. You don't want to be the next target in her vendetta against the male of the species.
A June 11, 1998 article in Westword notes that a couple of sisters in the Denver area made a game of alleging domestic violence. Is that a game you want to be on the losing end of? We strongly recommend reading Erin Pizzey's book on women she has termed violence prone if you find yourself associated with a woman like this.
Again, if DV charges are a game she has played before, we repeat our advice to get out now while the going's good.
•
A common danger sign is that you can no longer do anything right.
What had seemed like a caring, loving person becomes an abusive, angry harpy who is critical of your every action. At this point she may also start to hit or push you. Throwing things may also become a part of her behavior. Such personality changes may be symptoms of a medical or mental problem that can be cured
if
she will seek and accept treatment. Our experience is that it is
very
unlikely she will seek treatment as it is much, much easier to simply blame you.
If she is in her late 30's or early 40's, or had a hysterectomy before she started behaving this way, you might look at the section where we discuss the change of life and menopause for some ideas.
But be aware that she probably won't listen to you on the subject.
No matter what the level of involvement with a woman who starts hitting, shoving, or pushing you, and will not seek or accept medical advice, don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out. You are much safer on the outside than inside with her. If married, you will also fare much better in a divorce if you haven't been charged with domestic violence or abuse. It doesn't matter if she is the one who is abusive and violent, you, the male, will almost certainly be the one charged, and you are guilty until you can prove yourself innocent, which isn't going to be easy, fast, or cheap.
• Rude behavior. Almost all men who have been abused report that the emotional aspect was the worst. Early warning signs that a woman may be emotionally abusive are rude, inconsiderate behavior, and bad manners. Typically, nothing you do or say will be correct, and nothing she does is wrong.
Commonly such women are quite pretty and an extensive satirical discussion can be found in Cinderella Revisited: The Wicked Stepsisters.
June Marshall explores this topic in much greater depth in her book Booby Trapped: Men Beware! The Seven Deadly Sisters.
• Many women who have been in an abusive relationship tend to drift back into the same type of relationship. Unless you really want that type of affair, toss her as soon as she starts crying about how she was abused by her husband(s), boyfriend(s), father, stepfather(s), uncle(s), ad infinitum. Who knows how long her list will be? Do you really want to know? Or, even worse, become a part of?
Erin Pizzey has termed such women violence prone and we strongly suggest you read her book on the behavior patterns of such females, and her article on emotional terrorists if you are in any sort of contact with this type of woman.
• Deliberate self injury. Many times we have heard from men who tell us they were arrested for domestic violence because the woman in their life had an injury they had nothing to do with. About 1% of the general population and 10% of adolescents self-mutilate and females do it twice as often as males (2:1 ratio). 80% of females who self-mutilate have a history of sexual abuse. The most common manifestation is cutting but other forms include burning (often with caustic substances), hitting, skin scratching, biting, hair pulling, bone breaking, and, in more drastic cases, amputations and self castration. Self mutilation is very addictive, particularly with cutting.
Self-injurious actions are often related to, or associated with PTSD , borderline personality disorder, mood and eating disorders, dissociation, obsessive-compulsive behavior, and frequently includes substance abuse.
But the cops and the judge are not going to believe you when you tell them she did this to herself. So if you see any signs of self injury, self mutilation, self-inflicted violence, self injurious behavior, or any kind of deliberate self harm associated with your Cupcake you need to be long gone soonest.
• A mother who never had a serious relationship with her child(ren)'s father. Even worse is if she has had several children by different fathers, all the fathers long gone by now, and likely for good reasons. Probably the kids are on their own planet as well. Perhaps her mother was a single parent as well?
Does this bring to mind pictures of post-feminist, matriarchal family traditions of the woman you know?
• A woman who has been found an unfit mother, forcibly sterilized, or lost a custody battle. In the extreme gender bias extant at the beginning of the millennium only the most rabid behavior results in such findings against a mother.
You don't want such a rabid woman to bite you.
• If a woman had, or has a drug or alcohol problem, it is highly likely she continues to have it. Do you really want to get involved with someone where the rate of recidivism is so high? Or maybe you met her at an Alcoholic's Anonymous soiree? Or at your local needle exchange?
Experience has shown that women who use methamphetamine tend to be particularly dangerous. Women (or men) who use methamphetamine almost inevitably become violent.
By a “drug problem” we don't mean to limit the term to illicit drugs. Women who abuse prescription, or even over-the-counter medications, should be avoided as well. Such habits often hide deeper-seated psychoses that you probably don't even want to know about.
Present, or prior use of anti-depressant drugs is another sign that you are probably looking for love in one of the wrong places. Prozac has a particularly bad reputation in this area and a list of the top-ten violence-inducing prescription drugs can by found by clicking here. If your hot mamma is, or has used any of these drugs you need to console yourself in someone else's arms.
• Problems with her mother. Folk wisdom has long cautioned the young man in love (or lust) to take a close look at his fair flower's mother, as Cindy Mae will look like that in twenty years.
Similarly, any besotted swain is cautioned to also take a long look at her mother's behavior and lifestyle.
If Cindy Mae's mother was a single parent, Cindy Mae likely won't see any problems with that. But is child support the only relationship you want with children Cindy Mae may have? And DNA paternity test statistics show there is at least a 30% chance her children won't be from your seed though the courts may force you to pay child support anyway.
If her mother is mentally disturbed, has or had substance abuse problems, had multiple divorces, or is otherwise a flake, then similar behavior from Cindy Mae is likely.
Or, as a child, Cindy Mae may have had a new “uncle” every few months. Then a long-term stable relationship probably isn't a high priority with her. Kiss and run.
• She has been fired from several jobs. It was always fairly rare for a woman to be summarily discharged from a job, but in today's litigious, EEOC-dominated labor market it is even rarer. As many abused men have told us, if you find out your sweetie has been fired several times, or just can't keep a job, no further proof is needed that there are serious problems with this woman and borderline personality disorder may be one of them.
• Sexually transmitted diseases (STD). If you have had crabs, the clap, or any other STD it was likely acquired while you were in the military, very drunk, or both. If you've had an STD, think of the woman you got it from. Is that the type you want to associate with on a more permanent basis?
It is possible, but not very likely, that a decent woman will have had an STD. For example, she could have gotten one from her ex-husband and that's the reason she's divorced.
However, should you learn that the apple of your eye has had an STD, buy her a couple of extra drinks and get details. If it comes out that she gave her husband or live-in boyfriend an STD she got from someone else, it's time for you to bow out of the picture.
And remember that some STD's are for life, e.g., herpes and AIDS. So if she has one of these you are at risk now. Safest bet is through the door on the way out.
Likely such women will also exhibit other behavior traits listed here.
• Infidelity. Dr. Tim Emerson's case is the most famous of those we know of where an adulterous wife accused her husband of domestic violence or abuse to cover up her infidelity, but by no means the only one.
Presently more than 50% of the married men who have contacted us for help have reported they were charged with domestic violence or had a restraining order taken out against them after they discovered their wives were having an affair yet there was never any violence. However, we expect words were exchanged in most cases.
Our experience suggests that an extremely high percentage of adulteresses are using the domestic violence laws to cover up their affairs, particularly where child custody is an issue in the divorce. This observation is also substantiated by the fact that 30% of all DNA paternity tests ( n = 300,000+) per year show the man tested isn't the father of the child in question.
Unfortunately, we know of no good defense once such charges are made except a good lawyer. Thus, if you find a woman has been unfaithful in a previous relationship, it is a safe bet she will be unfaithful to you. As a result you will likely end up with your life as destroyed as Dr. Emerson's if you remain involved with her.
Infidelity is also commonly associated with women suffering from borderline personality disorder as well.
If custody of your children is an issue, will you look better before the court with DV and abuse charges against you? Suggestion: Get out and hire a private investigator to substantiate her adultery before she has a chance to file charges against you. If there are children involved, get a DNA paternity test immediately.
And if Sweet Sue is cheating on her husband with you, what makes you think she won't cheat on you later?
• Women who have had a hysterectomy. That procedure causes instant, or surgical menopause. After the operation was she divorced, or did she lose her lover? A little more difficult to find out but definitely a need to know. She may have stabilized on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) since but do you really want to risk it? Such a woman can also be stable today and go round the bend again a year down the road when she stops the HRT and takes up herbal remedies or other nonsense.
It is estimated that upwards of 90% of the hysterectomies performed in America are unnecessary. Thus, the guilty party is the surgeon who performed the unneeded operation, not the woman's husband or current boyfriend. But you, Buddy Boy, will be the one charged with abuse.
Based on our sad experience, if a woman has had the equivalent of male castration, we don't date them after that. How many women want to date a male who has been neutered? Before your first sexual encounter with a woman who has had a hysterectomy, hint that you are sexually dysfunctional. You'll quickly find out how fast a woman can get out of any further contact with you. You should return the favor.
• A woman who was happily married for ten, fifteen, twenty years, and then divorced along about her mid-forties. Likely she entered the change of life, or perimenopause, and became the queen of bitches as her estrogen levels dropped. You may have heard the joke: “I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!” We know of at least one case where that was true and she used the gun . Not a risk we recommend.
Virtually every human female undergoes perimenopause. The average age at which perimenopause begins is 43, although it may occur as young as 35 or as late as age 50, and typically lasts four to seven years. Note also that Table 11 clearly shows that extreme violence by women peaks during the years 35 to 44.
If such women begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT), they can probably stabilize emotionally. But if she started HRT, and it's working, why the divorce? Maybe it is ten years after the divorce, but likely she is now in her mid-fifties. Is she really worth the time, expense, and trouble? To say nothing of the risk?
• A woman who has moved into her late thirties or early forties without being married or establishing a long-term relationship (with a man) is a poor candidate to get serious about. While she may not prove to be violent it is very probable that her personality is unlikely to adapt to living with a male. She will then blame all the problems on the man and, of course, under today's laws you are guilty of abuse.
There are usually good reasons why an attractive woman cannot form a stable bond in a relationship. Finding those reasons is not going to be one of the more pleasant experiences of your life. Additionally, she is moving into the change of life and the hormonal imbalances associated with that are hardly likely to be a positive factor in the romance.
• Eating disorders, lean and mean. It is hardly a secret that many American women suffer from eating disorders. Bulimia and anorexia appear to be of epidemic proportions in females. Jane Fonda recently admitted to a 25-year battle with these problems, though most men would say Hanoi Jane's problems go back further than that.
It isn't uncommon to see American women with toothpick arms and legs who look like they just escaped from a concentration camp. But hunger has a profound impact on personalities. An eating disorder may also coexist with borderline personality disorder.
For reasons of survival, humans are biologically programmed to go out and kill when they are hungry. Whether their prey is animal or plant is a difference only in kind. And until they satisfy their hunger, males and females are very irritable. Add to that natural tendency an eating disorder that leaves the woman perpetually hungry and it's time for any peace- and stability-seeking male to head for the tall timber.
For more on such disorders see Internet Mental Health.
• Many other factors can change a woman's personality, very rarely for the better. Mental illnesses known to be associated with violence in relationships and families are borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder (manic depression), attention deficit disorder (ADD), and conditions involving abnormally low levels of serotonin. Traumatic brain injuries (TBI), e.g., an auto accident, may also result in violent or irrational behavior. But this list is not inclusive.
Other brain/biochemical disorders are also known to play a significant role in precipitating violent behavior in some individuals. Thyroid problems are common among both men and women and generally cause personality changes, usually for the worse. Such disorders as Munchausen's Syndrome by proxy, or post-partum depression have also made many headlines in the '90s.
The first time you hear about her psychological problems, take wing. Unless, of course, you are looking for someone to share your problems, and Prozac, with? Maybe you both have herpes as well?
• Depression. We think there is a simple sign of depression. While everyone gets down in the dumps once in awhile, she never smiles, and you can't remember when you've heard her laugh. Her habitual expression is a frown no matter who or what she is dealing with. She may also cry frequently for no apparent reason and make nonsensical excuses for avoiding people and events.
You may find there has recently been a death of someone she was very close to, e.g., a parent or husband, and the depression results from that and will likely pass. But if there is no apparent reason for her despondency, or the death was more than a year or so ago, then you had best be moving on.
Depression is often curable but is it your responsibility? And will she listen to you? We think it extremely unlikely and suggest, no matter what her other physical attractions, that you seek cheerier companionship.
If you do stay, you will come to be blamed for her problems, and one way out for her is a 911 call.
• I'm perfect, there's nothing wrong with me. The problem with antisocial and borderline syndromes is that embedded within the dysfunction is the conviction that “nothing's wrong with me — it's everyone else who's crazy!”
Recently a woman in her forties wrote us asking for help after the court had taken her children and house from her in a divorce. Our answer suggested that part of the problem might involve physiology, i.e., the change of life that all human females go through sometime between 35 and 50. Part of her answer was:
“This age comment seems totally out in left field, too. I laughed at it. I' m still gunning for another family in the next few years. Most people think I am in my early thirties. According to my mom, I have a good 15 years before I should show any symptoms of menopause and she claims she didn't experience anything with her aging. I should give you a break though. I' m probably the exception: I don't drink, don't smoke, I exercise by fast walking or hiking four miles, four or five times per week, and try to get out in the fresh air as much as possible, and my biggest hobbies are gardening and doing sports with my boys.”
Gee, the perfect mother who will never age. She also told us what a beautiful home she had created. Anyone want to bet she put her husband through a living hell until he got her out of the house? And, mind you, even the judge saw through her act. Our sympathies are with her former husband and the children.
Taken to the extreme such behavior is known as histrionic personality disorder. This disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Uncomfortable in situations in which she is not the center of attention;
2. Interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior;
3. Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions;
4. Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to herself;
5. Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail;
6. Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion, i.e., a “drama queen” in the vernacular;
7. Suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances;
8. Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.
An essential feature of the histrionic personality disorder is a pervasive and excessive pattern of emotionality and attention-seeking behavior. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They are often inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and may be easily influenced by others (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 655).
A woman with this disorder lacks ability to accept feedback and has no humility. She must at all costs save her good name (do no wrong) and as such she will put you down, lie, cheat, or do whatever it takes to make you look bad so she'll look better. In the beginning things are perfect, but wait for the fireworks to start in just a few short hot and steamy months. She'll keep all her old boyfriends and dance partners within close reach so that she can go have a good time while telling them how awful and unhealthy you are.
The behavior of Jewish American Princesses, as well as women of other ethnic groups, or your local debutantes, are more than just funny jokes. They are often lovely, and even have lots of money, but talk to the ex-husband before you get too involved. She will almost certainly have at least one.
• Borderline personality disorder (BPD). We suggest you look at the signals that indicate you might be dealing with someone afflicted with BPD. People with BPD comprise: 2% of the general population; 10% of all mental health outpatients; 20% of psychiatric inpatients; 75% of those diagnosed are women; and 75% of the sufferers of this condition have been physically or sexually abused.
It is one characteristic of BPD that the woman does not recognize her Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde transformations. She is thus likely to say you are the crazy one when you try to reason with her. Don't get involved in a pop-psyche debate with her. If she acts crazy, she probably is.
No one man could ever fulfill the dreams, wants, or needs of a woman with BPD. Thus, she seeks easy targets on the Internet personals. She stalks the dance floors. She stalks the gym. She is there, and is looking for you, and she believes she is entitled to everything you own. You will be her knight in shining armor one minute, and Satan the next. If you stay with her long enough you can become addicted. Maybe the sex? Maybe the drama? Maybe the danger? Maybe other things, but addicted to her nonetheless.You don't know what it's like to “walk on eggshells” until you have met a woman with BPD.
Remember, only sane people think they might be going crazy. Truly insane people think they are perfectly normal and the problems are with you.
In times past it might have been reasonable to try and care for someone you were close to who developed such symptoms. Under today's laws, survival dictates that you leave before Big Sister has you arrested and destroys your life. Believe us, the courts won't listen to any nonsense from you about how she suffers from BPD. In case after case we have heard about, the crazier a woman is the better “victim” she makes for the DV industry.
We note that many men who are violent towards women are found to have BPD (Dutton, 1995, p. 140-155, Gelles, 1997, p. 80). Thus, with 75% of the diagnosed cases being women, this disorder is certainly heavily implicated in violence by women against men.
If she has five or more of the following characteristics:
1. Acts verbally abusive toward people she knows very well;
2. Has frightening, unpredictable rages;
3. Acts impulsively in ways that are potentially self damaging;
4. Accuses others of doing things they did not do, having feelings they do not feel, or believing things they do not believe;
5. Rushes into relationships, including extramarital affairs, based on idealized fantasies and is unreasonably frightened of abandonment by her lovers;
6. Does or says inappropriate things to focus the attention on themselves;
7. Acts competent and controlled in some situations but extremely out of control in others;
8. Cuts people out of her life over issues that seem trivial or overblown;
9. Acts inconsistently or unpredictably;
you are almost certainly dealing with a woman with BPD.
There is no cure for BPD though treatment might help alleviate some symptoms. However, most providers don't think so. You are far, far better off somewhere far, far away than with a female with borderline personality disorder.
One anonymous reviewer of Walker's book The Courtship Dance of the Borderline makes the following additional points that we paraphrase here:
First, the hardest part often comes after the relationship is over because the borderline both undermines their partner's confidence and leaves land mines to destroy their partner's career, which domestic violence allegations and charges do quite effectively. But look for the borderline personality to call your boss, your friends, your parents, and the police in her attempts to destroy you.
Second, borderlines often target high-achieving men, particularly those who use alcohol.
Third, many borderlines insist on acting out masochistic roles and can readily inspire enough anger in their partners to gratify the impulse. That, of course, is considered male domestic violence under current law.
For additional details on borderline and other personality disorders Barbara Oakley's book Evil Genes is highly recommended.
• Criminal history: The most rapidly increasing segment of the prison population are female offenders. While overall crime rates are decreasing, female crime rates as a percentage of the total are rapidly increasing. Thus, Cupcake may not be the sweet innocent, or simple sex kitten you thought she was. The wise man will therefore check on that sweet piece before becoming deeply involved.
You will probably have to do a little digging on your own to get the necessary information in order to do a background check. Many women have changed their names, use aliases, lie about their age or birthplace, don't mention previous marriages, kids they've put up for adoption, shoplifting, fired from jobs for stealing, etc. But wouldn't you want to know those things anyway?
If she lives, or has lived in Colorado for $7 you can check her out at COcourts.com or for $6.85 you can do a Colorado Bureau of Investigation Records Check. If you own your own home or have substantial assets it would be well worth your while to have a private investigator run a complete background check ($300-$400 usually). Attorney RK Hendrick's book How To Avoid Getting Screwed When Getting Laid is an excellent source of information on how to go about validating Cupcake's past.
The life you save could be your own!
• Women who have spent time in prison. It should be obvious that a woman whose behavior has warranted hard time is not the sweet, delicate southern flower you should be searching for.
Nor are you going to reform her. But she will “know the ropes” and probably use one of them to hang you with.
• Psychopaths. Maybe her condition isn't borderline? It is certainly possible she is completely 'round the bend. In her excellent book on how and why women get away with murder, Patricia Pearson lists the most consistent behaviors of psychopaths as: pathological lying, short attention span, grandiosity, manipulativeness, recklessness, remorselessness, and an absence of fear. She states that: “According to biocriminologists, psychopaths are physically incapable of getting nervous. They don't experience the physiological arousal that goes with fear and anxiety, such as racing blood and sweaty palms.”
If you suspect she may be completely round the bend, you should probably read Dr. Michael Conner's article Are You Involved With A Psychopath?
There appear to be three common indicators that you are at lethal risk: paranoia, psycho stimulants, and weapons. If your sweetheart exhibits all three of these factors you had best be moving on, far and fast. Also note that there is no known treatment for psychopaths and that extreme violence by women peaks between age 35 and 44 (Table 11).
Lying isn't unusual behavior for women, they commonly are manipulative, and keeping their attention and interest can be taxing, but she may nonetheless be “normal.” However, if this woman's husband(s) or lovers have died suddenly, she has lost one or more children to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) or other strange causes, or has been imprisoned, we recommend you tread very lightly, but quickly out the door. Details can be found in Pearson's book When She Was Bad: How and Why Women Get Away With Murder, and in our chapter on violent women after you've reached a safe place.
Thinking it can't happen to you may be your last mistake. We certainly don't recommend taking out an insurance policy with her as beneficiary, especially if she is between 35 and 44 (Table 11). And note that many of the women included in the Equal Justice Foundation studies have killed or severely attacked more than one man. Even if you live, she may well manipulate you straight into jail.
• Then there are the women who treat you like kleenex. You've probably known a woman with a: “So many men, so little time,” attitude. The formal term for such behavior is narcissistic exhibitionism or narcissistic personality disorder. In reality such women are like kleenex themselves: Men blow their wad in them once and then toss them away because they fall apart with further use.
Of course these women blame everyone but themselves for the way men treat them. They also seem to grow more violent with each rejection. No matter what their exterior attractions, the chances of a stable, long-term relationship are virtually nil. Conversely, under today's laws, the chances of you ending up in jail are very good.
You might want to look at Cinderella Revisited for a more complete description of the characteristics of such wicked stepsisters.
Erin Pizzey has termed women with malignant narcissistic exhibitionism as violence prone, or emotional terrorists . She defines a: “...a 'violence prone' woman as a woman who, while complaining that she is the innocent victim of the malice and aggression of all other relationships in her life, is in fact a victim of her own violence and aggression.”
However, kleenex looking for kleenex might just be a match made in the trash if you don't mind the sound of steel doors clanging shut behind you.
• Stalking. It isn't advertised but it is well known than women stalk men as often as the reverse. So if your current Cupcake starts telling you about how she is being stalked, there is a better than even chance she is the one doing the stalking. We have many reports from men who believed the story Cupcake told them about being stalked by a former husband or boyfriend until they found out how badly they were being deceived.
I have personally suffered repeated false allegations, broken car windows, slashed and flat tires, mail theft, property damage, hang up phone calls in the middle of the night, and drive by incidents that lasted for over five years.
We know of many men who have endured such harassment for more than ten years, including one oceanographer who finally had to move to England to escape his ex-wife.
In Colorado, and many other states, stalking is a felony . However, as you might guess, the law is virtually never enforced against women. But a woman stalking a man is perfectly free to charge him with stalking and harassment. Again, he will be considered guilty until he can prove his innocence.
• False accusations of rape. She need not charge you with violence or abuse. Under current shield laws a wide variety of women have claimed rape even though you may have been sexually intimate with her for some time. You should be especially careful if she has a history of erratic behavior or vengeful acts against men.
An example, you don't see her for a while and then make up. One thing leads to another and you are back in bed with her. She claims you were told to leave and never come back, you then forced yourself on her after a couple of drinks, and it was rape. Don't think it happens? Read Cathy Young's article on the abuse of rape shield laws. William Hetherington has now spent 14 years in jail because his wife accused him of rape after abandoning her family.
If you suspect she might try this tactic, or know someone who is faced with this problem, Sommers' essay on the Rape Culture' of America would probably be of great interest.
As a sex-offender you will be fair game in the jailhouse for those sensitive guys who need a “bitch.”
• Women in their teen years or early 20's. A very high percentage of false accusations of rape and sexual abuse are made by women in their teens and early 20' s. Members of this age group are often emotionally immature and behaviorally unpredictable.
Young girls may not have developed a strong set of ethics and values, particularly in today's permissive culture. Consequently, she may think nothing of falsely accusing you or turning you in for a statutory offense even if she was the one who came on to you. She may do this for amusement, for spite, to cover up her own behavior, self aggrandizement, or for any number of self-serving motives.
Also beware of “date rape” or “unwanted sex” charges by today's college women. Campus disciplinary committees operate completely outside the established rights of man, and due process or the rule of law are meaningless terms to most of them.
• She is not a citizen. Under VAWA there are extensive protections for immigrant women who claim to be abused.
If your spouse or girlfriend is an immigrant, and things are just not working out, one way she can almost certainly stay in the United States is to claim abuse, even if you are a lamb (or maybe especially if you are a lamb). As usual, no proof is required, and immigrant women need only make the claim to obtain virtually instant citizenship. Attorneys readily give this information to them and the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) quickly supplies the required forms.
In the past few years it has become a regular racket for a foreign woman, particularly from the countries of the former Soviet Union, to marry an American man solely for the purpose of gaining citizenship. Within months of arriving in the US these women claim abuse, file for divorce, and the INS grants them permanent resident status or citizenship on a priority basis. And the divorce courts give the woman virtually everything they want as well.
Of course the life of an American male is flushed down the toilet in the process. Just one more example of Big Sister protecting us. Our advice is not to bring a woman from another country to the United States if you marry her. Nor should you marry a foreigner if she is in the U.S. already as she will probably simply use you to gain citizenship.
A woman's aggression may take many forms besides hitting or throwing things. A common issue is money. Cash may start disappearing, or she will run up credit card bills. You may find she has accounts you knew nothing about that have your name on them. Of course the bills will be sent to her office or a girlfriend's house so that you only find out about them when collections comes calling.
There are also many reports of a man's girlfriend filing a restraining order that bars a man from his home or apartment. She then takes any available money or sells any possessions the man is forced to leave in the his residence.
Another way she may attack you is with jealousy. She becomes insanely angry if you so much as speak to another woman.
Conversely, she may begin flirtations with every male around her, and “business trips,” or mini-vacations with her “girlfriends” may become a new feature of her life.
Getting a divorce may be just the beginnings of your problems if you have children. Turket well describes the divorce-related malicious mother syndrome.
She may become even more violent as you try to break away from her. In our personal experience, car windows have been broken, tires slashed and nails placed under them, mail stolen, camp gear slashed, and funds transferred or stolen. Computers are another, modern, target of vengeful women.
In the next section Erin Pizzey eloquently depicts such emotional terrorists.
It ain't how good she looks, or how nice she feels, or the soft promises she makes, but what she does that's gonna get you in trouble.
OK, so it started out with wild, uninhibited sex on the second date, and got wilder and crazier from there. So now what? Is this a woman you want to take home to meet mother? Unlikely! And today, self preservation must be foremost in a man's mind with such women. So she might be the greatest lay you've ever had but keep it brief and keep your distance. For example, it ain't a good idea to let her move in with you after two weeks.
In the past, you might have had a relationship with such women as described above with little risk. But under today's laws, all it takes is one call to 911 and you are in the clink with a life sentence with no pretense of due process. From a daily bombardment of commercials and warnings such women are very well aware of what steps they can take against you if you tarry. When any of the dangerous behavior patterns outlined above become apparent, say “Thank you, ma'am” and disappear.
What self-respecting man could fail to ask himself what the other side of the equation was, knowing that a woman has subjected a previous partner to charges of domestic violence and abuse? It almost always takes two to tangle. Is a single, decent, kind, educated, attractive male going to want to consider a serious relationship with such a woman?
Conversely, charging a man with domestic violence or abuse in a divorce, or in dissolving a relationship, has become such a standard ploy for women that such charges are meaningless in judging a man's character.
Note that our tabulation of dangerous characteristics makes little mention of the physical appearance of females. And lets not delve into honesty and trust as regards the female of the species.
The omission of logic with regard to women is deliberate.
You must have heard complaints that women want to be judged on more than just their looks? So how does your femme measure up?
Does this section describe over 90% of the women in your past and present romances? Maybe you should reread these descriptions and be a little more discriminating next time?
Women are always complaining about how hard it is to find a good man.
Do you think it any easier to find a good woman?
And, a good hard look at yourself probably wouldn't hurt before you find yourself in an abusive relationship. May we suggest you take the Machiavelli personality test, and have Cupcake take it too if she will, to see if there are deeper problems with one or both of you.
For further reading on the subject of dangerous female characteristics see Booby Trapped.
It is fundamentally unfair to describe dangerous behavior patterns of human females without putting forth character traits that males find attractive.
• She is basically a nice person to be around, comfortable with herself, and with the people around her, including males.
• Her smile and laughter light up your life and the lives of everyone around her.
• She says “ Would you?,” “When you have a chance...,” or “Please,” rather than “Could you?,” “When you...,” “Why haven't you...,” or “Why didn't you...” In short, she is well mannered and considerate of others.
• She doesn't challenge or insult your every action or statement, or denigrate your every accomplishment or attempt to do something.
• She keeps herself as physically fit as circumstances allow.
• She doesn't demand every creature comfort she can imagine and money is not her first priority.
• She accepts people as they are without regard to their religion, race, creed, country of origin, color, or sex.
• She may curse occasionally but doesn't make a point or habit of it, nor try to show she can out swear you any time and any place.
• She enjoys a wide variety of humor, loves to laugh, and isn't critical of your tastes in jokes.
• She will tell you what the problem is when things go wrong, rather than expecting you to read her mind.
So when you find a woman with these characteristics do everything you can to help and encourage her for such are, sadly, all too rare.
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