In Women's Own Words
In Women's Own Words© 2002-2006 Equal Justice Foundation
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| Chapter 12 — The Female Of The Species |
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Drunken night out ruins boyfriend's life
Losing one's own points of reference
I am your child who loves you and needs you! Fight for me!
Daughter attempts extortion by abusing stepfather
Colorado visit leads to my arrest
Don't take the kids to Colorado
911: Is it help? Or is it a deadly trap?
Judge Pfeiffer and unethical attorneys
False domestic violence charges
False allegations of sexual abuse
If I didn't know any better I would of thought you were writing about my life
Trying to keep the family together
It is our belief that a woman, man, or child should be able to call the police and expect to receive help and succor. Instead, under current laws calls for help are all too frequently used by authorities to destroy families, or as a weapon of vengeance by individuals.
The following are actual examples of how women's lives are damaged or destroyed by current domestic violence laws, or how they use restraining orders to destroy the lives of those they once loved.
Never in the radical feminist literature do we find the follow up of what happened to the children after their father, or mother, or both, were hauled off with no notice and little pretext.
I am trying to see if there is anything that my boyfriend or I can do to overturn a guilty plea. He was charged with Domestic Violence at the end of March 2007 due to my negligence while I was completely intoxicated. I only signed the police report on the night in question as I just wanted to go to sleep. I never pursued filing charges against him the following day when the Sheriff's department contacted me. My boyfriend's attorney was negligent in representing him, which resulted in termination so that he could represent himself. His attorney had told him to agree to the plea bargain that the prosecutor had put on the table before appearing before the judge. He did so, waived his rights and pled guilty — at the last minute, before the judge, the prosecutor reneged on his "bargain" and my boyfriend got screwed. The judge has been throwing the book at him and this was his first offense. He's never had a history of violence nor DUI and the system is totally taking advantage of him now that he doesn't have an attorney. Is there anything we can do to overturn the Judge's ruling? I feel like both of our rights have been violated.
We had been arguing from the night before over money. Our argument spun out of control in the car. He opened the door on the highway and threatened to jump out of the car. He also grabbed the wheel three times, trying to take control of the car, and pounded with his fists on the window — all while I was driving.
He and I both know that this argument spun out of control. My reactions in the car were under severe panic as to what was happening. Also, we were between Monument and Colorado Springs and I did not want to leave him by the side of the road. I knew if I did I would see only more drama and waste more time because I wouldn't have left my husband like that.
He called 911 from the car. He told them I was not letting him out. I got on the phone with them and they guided me to the nearest police station. At the police station, the first thing the officer said was that there were three 911 calls from the road about our car. They separated us and my husband (thinking that a police man is a counselor) talked and talked about relationships and how angry he was with me. He (falsely) accused me of making a scar on his hand — which he realized later that he was mistaken — he burned his hand on the frying pan. He called the DA and told them that too — but that never made it to my file, though they said they have taken notes about it. The officer asked me to write down what happened and I did. I wrote down everything. Because there were marks on his leg from where I scratched him (keep in mind that the marks on his leg were not as bad as the marks on my wrists from the handcuffs) I went to jail.
I couldn't understand why I was being held. I told the whole truth to the police officer thinking that he would see that this is an argument gone wild between a man and wife. I also thought that he would see that I was terrified in the car because of what my husband was doing and my reactions were made in a state of complete panic. I had no idea how to respond to my husband grabbing the wheel, screaming at me, calling me names, and threatening to jump out of the car in the middle lane of traffic going 65 miles per hour. It all happened so fast...I froze.
So, as I said, I went to jail.
I couldn't believe it. I called my mother from jail. Little did I know that all calls are recorded as testimony. I had no idea about anything that was happening. I was completely ignorant and thought that something would protect me. I was wrong. In jail, I was so upset, I couldn't eat or drink. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe where I was. It all seemed like a nightmare.
I went to court the next day. First, I pled not guilty, then, after talking to the DA, who seemed so kind and nice and explained the plea bargain with me, I accepted the plea bargain and pled guilty. The judge asked me if I really thought I was guilty and I hedged saying that he pulled the wheel, etc. but I decided that the threat of a trial would be too much stress for me to live through. Little did I know.
The next day at the hearing for a personal recognizance (PR) bond — when I told my husband I had pled guilty — his face fell. Again, I live in a state of complete confusion. Why was all of this happening?
I went to see a criminal defense attorney in Denver. He looked at the case and explained some things to me. Deferred sentence, restraining order, conditions of the restraining order, the power my husband now had in my life because he is the "victim." The next week, I moved out into my own apartment.
My husband thinks I am being very dramatic. He wonders why I don't want to work on our "relationship." I have filed for divorce (at his request) and still he wants a "date night" or some kind of relational contact and he can't understand why I cannot give it to him. I went to my DV evaluation and was treated like a criminal by a therapist that I have more education, experience and expertise than. I have realized that many people in the DV system love the power they hold over the "perpetrators."
Under the stress, I fell ill. I had a fever of 104.5° F and continue to struggle physically. I am so scared.
February 18, 2007 — My father married an undocumented alien from Mexico in 1999. When he first met her, she did not divulge she was here illegally and told my father she was in the U.S. on a work permit. Nonetheless, he married her after consulting with an immigration attorney who advised him he could file for a petition for her residency and this would allow her temporary status to stay in the U.S. while her petition was being reviewed.
After marrying her, he slowly began to regret his decision as she started to behave very differently from the person he thought she was. After a few years, she began to become very controlling and abusive towards him. She also incurred thousands of dollars of debt and would not listen to him when he explained the financial implications of her actions. It seemed she was trying to provoke him and start altercations with him all the time; he is a very kind, gentle man and would not respond. One night she trapped him in the bedroom and threatened to kill him. He screamed out the window for help so a neighbor called the police. The police came and arrested them both for domestic violence even though he was the one who called for help.
What we all realize now is she was very educated on the Violence Against Women Act and planned to use it as an outlet to get her residency and the possessions she and my father have acquired since their marriage. She is falsely claiming he abused her and is getting carte blanche assistance under our legal system to get her citizenship and full financial support. All she had to do after she was released from jail was go to a local domestic violence shelter that provided free legal advice. Moreover, although she is "out of status" right now, meaning she is here illegally, she managed to get an order of protection to get my father kicked out of his home. I am sure she received this advice from the pro bono attorney at the shelter. She has full use of the home, his cars, everything. Since he cannot go back to the home, she is selling everything. My father receives calls from the neighbors that she is having yard sales and selling his cars, his tools, and everything he owns. My sister called Immigration Custom Enforcement and they said there is nothing they can do because it is her domain and they cannot enter the property. The officer was also aware she is claiming abuse and told my sister that makes it even more difficult for them to deport her because she has many "rights" as a victim of abuse (even if it is a false claim of abuse...all she has to do is cry "abuse" and she is untouchable).
My father consulted with an attorney who said his only outlet is to get the dissolution of marriage so he can finally be free from her. Unfortunately, he will end up with nothing by the time they go to court. She will probably get the house and alimony since she is going before the Court as a victim of abuse. My father had to borrow money from me to pay for an attorney and she has one paid for by American taxpayers. It is disgusting! She will also get her citizenship through the "abuse" route also.
I believe the Violence Against Women Act should be titled the "Women Get What They Want Act." I do not wish this to happen to anyone, but only those who have had this happen to a son, brother, father, or any male they care about can understand what this is like. It is still not over. I pray I do not lose my father to a heart attack while he is going through this difficult time. The fact she is here "illegally" means nothing. I do not even know why we have such a term in this country. We must change these laws to somehow prevent women like my father's wife from destroying decent, hard-working, taxpaying citizens like my father, who is now a victim of our own legal system. I did write a letter to Immigration about her lies and false claims against my father and hope it will help. I am willing to write letters to anyone who can help.
I am a 37 year old professional registered nurse. I have taken many classes on domestic violence and know the warning signs and symptoms. There are, indeed, many women trapped in a cycle of violence that they can not leave without help. I, however, am not that woman. I am strong and capable of making my own decisions regarding what is best for me.
That being said, I am now being treated by the legal system like a child without the ability to determine my own fate. Under the guise of "my own good," I am forced to accept the fate of my life based on decisions by the criminal justice system.
After a particularly stressful 6 months, my husband and I had a rare argument. We both resorted to acting like 2-year olds under the stress and pressure of our current family situation. We engaged in an altercation of pushing and shoving for which we are both accountable and which had never happened before.I called 911 to prevent the situation from escalating.Thus began the spiral into hell.
Since I called 911 and the altercation became physical, the police told my husband that one of us would have to go to jail. My husband, being the man he is, told the police to take him, knowing it was unlikely that I could face the horror of jail. As they were taking him to jail, I began to realize the ramifications of my actions. I simply wanted to win the argument and perhaps have the police ask him to leave for the night. In no way did I intend for my strong and tender husband to be hauled off to jail.
I, of course, went to the hearing in front of the judge the next morning. I hadn,t slept at all that night, as I am sure neither did he! I talked to someone sitting in the court area who appeared to work there and told her that this was a huge misunderstanding and that I wanted the charges dropped immediately. After approaching the bench area and speaking with someone standing there dressed in a suit, she told me I could try to talk to the judge, but "don,t piss him off."
My husband appeared in open court in handcuffs. He looked pale and shell-shocked. He had never been arrested before, let alone been in jail. It was all I could do to keep from busting into tears seeing him this way, know that my actions had caused this. I stood up when the charges were read and even though the judge looked right at me, I was not given an opportunity to speak. A no contact order was issued. I found out later that this means he is unable to be in my presence until the case is resolved. I rushed to bail him out of jail, knowing that even when he got out, I could not be with him. He is facing a Class A misdemeanor with up to 1 year in jail.
After speaking with Victim,s Assistance I was told that I could not drop the charges. "It is out of your hands now." I am unable to have the no contact order dropped even though I did not request it, do not want it and want to be with my husband and resume our life together.
This crazy system has to change. I realize some women do need protection. In nursing, we complete assessments to determine the needs of the patient in order to provide the most appropriate services for them, if they so choose. My right to choose was taken away from me and I have been placed in the stereotype of a weak woman with no backbone. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a backbone! I am capable of speaking up for myself and deciding what I want.
However, now I have lost my right to self determination. This system that, in the pursuit of the "best interests" of women who are too weak to defend themselves, has taken decision making rights away from all women. I didn't think that was what the women's movement was all about.
I am bitter and angry and truly feel like a victim, not of my husband, but of the legal system!
July 29, 2006 — I am a recent victim of domestic violence. My husband and I are currently separated after being together for just 7 months. During our marriage he verbally abused me and physically abused my property: throwing my clothes, cosmetics, jewelry over a mountainside on our honeymoon; destroying my company laptop while he was away with me on a business trip; destroying my cell phone, and more.
He would keep me up all night at least twice a week, verbally abusing and tormenting me. I found myself trying to find ways to deal with his psychosis: I would ignore him; or leave the room or house; or fight back with logic, but none of it worked. It got to a point that I was provoked to the point where my heart would race, my skin would crawl, my body would twitch.
I found myself trying to stop his abuse by verbally abusing him in return. I felt justified in striking him. Once I did that, I realized that if this man could, yes, "get me to do this to him", then I needed to get out of this relationship.
But I couldn't get out so easily because he kept apologizing, saying that he loved me, working his charm and using the incredible chemistry we had to get me back. But the abuse never stopped for long.
And my hitting him continued. I knew I needed out, since I sensed grave (no pun intended) danger ahead. Then he would use the excuse of my hitting him to strike me back. Then the whole physical abuse cycle would start.
I reached out to my family and friends, I called the police, I'm finding my way out still.
Then on Monday, July 31 st , my husband broke every car window. That night he apologized and told me that he loved me and was sorry. I have gotten an order of protection. It will be served next week, when I have the Separation/Divorce agreement. The process server said it would be easier this way...that my husband would be less likely to get "crazy" if it all happened at once. Otherwise he may see it as me taunting him and may get abusive...violating the order of protection doesn't mean anything to someone who can't control themselves.
It is now 5 days after the car-window wrecking incident. My husband continues to call, to say he loves me, to apologize, to want to start anew. I feel myself slipping into his "control" . So I'm going to therapy tonight. Part of the problem comes from actually speaking with him...I promise myself I will not speak with him. But when I see his calls come thru, I melt. As crazy as it sounds. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. No more talking to the fox.
I am a child of divorce. My parents divorce became finalized in 1969 when I was six years old. My mother was granted custody and my father never fought it.
I am here today because I wish to see change. Change in a system that helped to alter my relationship with my father for the duration of our lives. Our lives when he being 600 miles away at 54 years old seems all too short.
We started out fairly normal. I remember watching a football game with him, the smell of my mother's pot roast in the air. Being carried around on his shoulder, waiting for him to come home from work. A father-daughter relationship firmly rooted for growth.
As months went by the climate of our house became more tense. I felt impending doom. Finally erupting, and then, a deathly lull settled as a tiny 6-year old followed her father around the house as he packed his suitcases, taking the personal belongings my mother would let him have, which did not include me. So I begged him to stay, he held me for a long time, finally he pulled me away as he left our house.
And so began my father's weekend visits, who in his absence became a stranger, a curiosity to me. No more leisurely afternoons in front of the TV. We now embarked on the most exciting trips appropriate for our age he could think of.
Bowling alleys, movies, malls and toy stores. I never came home empty handed. Then back to his Holiday Inn motel room, his new living quarters, to sit and spend time with him until he dropped us off at home, never sure I would see him next weekend.
A new set of rules imposed on our house. My mother took a job and went to school. My sister became my mother, cooking, cleaning and disciplining me. My brother, the eldest, became the man of the house, who also disciplined me, but offered no affection. My father was spoken of very little, I only heard his name as he was being chastised for not visiting or blamed for a check that never arrived or came late.
Several times I would burst into tears, overwhelmed by his absence and feeling a great sense of loss. Each time I was scolded, told to be strong, to wise up and quit feeling sorry for myself. I was certainly not to shed tears in front of my father. How ironic that I was not to display my grief while I was also told by my mother what a lousy father I had.
At this point our relationship had changed considerably. The man who came to pick me up on weekends was no longer the strong, stable father I had known. I now sensed panic, helplessness and guilt emanating from my father. I feared him now, being the object of his panic, resented him for leaving, promising to return on various days and never showing. Pitying him for his guilt and helplessness, loving and idolizing him intensely, my daddy who would come home and defend himself to my mother and siblings and be strong again. All these perceptions from a 6-year old.
For the next four years my father and I were unable to spend any quality time together. The brief times I did see him were very damaging to me.
I remember writing a letter to my father in care of the Macomb County Jail. I would seal them up and include messages to the sheriff, because I was told they would open and censor my letters. In one letter I wrote to my father telling him how I missed him and forgave him for not paying our child support. Until I was 16 I believed the manufacturers stamps on my Dad's shirttails were shirts he had worn in jail.
He lost a few jobs during that time. He was constantly served and arrested at work because he was unable to meet the payments. His visits became much more sporadic, he was avoiding us so as not to let my mother know where he was, maybe he could hold down a job that way.
I had taken to reading the obituaries every night, looking for his name. I did not know if he was dead or alive. We spent a couple of Christmas's without him. One Christmas he did show up, at 5 in the morning. Oh, to hug my father again, the smell of his aftershave and cigarettes long lost to my senses, he looked so sad. And then he was gone, he had timed his visit carefully while my mother was still asleep to avoid her.
My sister caught me lying to a playmate and scolded me. The playmate had asked me where my father was, not knowing myself I said he was always on business trips.
My dad eventually moved to Indiana. Michigan held too many bad memories for him. He remarried and we began to spend summers with him. This helped but by now there was so much damage to our relationship that we shared only shreds of normalcy.
From 8 to 18 I was a very cynical, negative and aggressive individual. Having been a normal, vulnerable child, only to be laid open and cut a few times, true to my family's constant messages to me, I did wise up! I learned to mother the child within me who still missed and grieved for her father, calming my own fears. Wiping tears I did not dare shed in front of my family.
Yes, the feeling of alienation and abandonment brought on by the lengthy absence of my father and my family's lack of communication, to explain it ended my sweet, normal childhood. Darwin's survival of the fittest should only be learned in a science class, yet I practiced it at 8.
Between 16 and 17 I underwent a year of therapy prompted by my sudden bouts of depression, an unending feeling of loneliness. It was here I learned that my boyfriend provided me with needs normally supplied by one's father, as I supplied the needs he sought from his deceased mother. We were a pair of 17-year-old walking neurotics, both heavy substance abusers that also helped fill the great void within me.
My father and I have lost so much time. Ordinarily routine moments that will never occur again. Moments a father and a child both share a right to, things a father should be able to see and share with his offspring.
Today when I see my father we follow a pattern of behavior dictated by those lost moments. We feel awkward with one another, groveling for words and giving clumsy hugs. We then try to get close again, claim some of our time that we can both demand now.
I will travel by plane for an hour to see him. Each time I visit with Dad it occurs to me that we have much catching up to do. He will tell stories of my antics as a baby, his face aglow with fatherly pride as he laughs and grins. And then a far-a-way look, an emptiness will envelop him as he falls silent and gazes out the window. I will ask him what is wrong, he will smile, be strong and say nothing. But I know what he is thinking, the silence speaks a thousand words. I have heard these stories over and over.
Yet he refers to them because those are the few memories he has shared with me. Then he will ask me about my job, my husband, and offer me fatherly advice about my present life.
How did we get from my baby stories to my job and husband? This is more than the flow of conversation. It is a significant fact that we both find painful to acknowledge. As I get older and prepare myself to start a career and family, it is increasingly harder for me to see him. He remains geographically distant and our relationship will remain a shell.
I can always tell who is a child of divorce. They are sharp kids who exhibit aggressive, manipulative attitudes, a hardness. Yet if you press hard enough they are hiding a deep well of pain that eats at them, that makes them survivors, very much aware of the moves and rules of a chess game that was once their family unit.
I am a shrewd chess player, ready to knock any family opponents pieces off the board and move in for the kill, if I have to. At 21 I am still the grieving child of 6 who aches for her father. I am the mother who emotionally nurtured that child to a functioning adult. An adult that bears the scars and festering wounds of divorce and separation.
I am a survivor who feels that the only permanent thing in my life is myself. I grew up in a dark, frigid hell. You will never understand unless you've been there. It has aged me beyond my years and robbed me of time with my father necessary to a normal childhood.
Although I have healed myself there are some that never will.
I do not offer specific problems and solutions for you today. I am only articulating what children caught in today's divorce process are experiencing and cannot voice themselves.
To the fathers who are present here today, this is not chess, I am not your pawn. I am your child who loves you and needs you! Fight for me!
And to the legal system, I stand before you today, a product of what you believed is a system that benefits me. Children begin life unaware of sexism. Why teach it to them like this!
My name is Susan and we live in central lower Michigan. My husband is going to be sentenced later this month for domestic violence because my 22-year-old daughter called 911 after an argument with him (her stepfather).
My husband was drunk and knocked over a few pieces of furniture. Nothing was broken. My husband then went out to the pole barn and passed out. My daughter then called her boyfriend (that got her pregnant). He told her to call 911. My daughter threw boards at my husband that left major bruises on this chest and said that my husband had left bruises on me (I have a skin condition that is just pigment loss). The cops took pictures of my neck, believed my daughter, but not me, and took my husband to jail. This was July 29, 2005, and we were not allowed contact for several weeks. My daughter wanted my husband out of the way so mom would support her, her loser boyfriend, and the baby. I moved her out August 3 rd and it is all I can do to even talk to her now.
My husband is now going to Alcoholics Anonymous and counseling (it costs him $45 each time and insurance pays the other $45). The insurance did not pay the $150 assessment or for his complete physical and tests. I don't even want to add up all that this has cost us. His fine could be $1,000 plus the lawyer bill, court fees, monitoring fees, and who knows what else.
I wish I had found this web site sooner!
My son was repeatedly abused by his live-in girlfriend. He was penalized for being a man and was never given a fair shake until one black magistrate stood against the stereotype and used his brain and common sense.
The law here in Washington, North Carolina, states that in a domestic situation if the male says he was assaulted, the woman is charged with simple assault.
When a woman says she has been assaulted (even without physical evidence) the man is charged with — now get this — assault on a female that carries a heavy penalty, much heavier than simple assault.
I pled with everyone in the legal system to change the charges against her and keep her locked up because she would one day kill my son and their child. My pleas fell on deaf ears.
After he moved out of their shared residence she did try to kill him. Beaufort County deputies never even interviewed her when they were told she had motive and means to have been the one to stab him and closed the case "unsolved" after only 30 days. Despite the fact that she had a rap sheet for drug violations and violent behavior, the police never looked at her like a viable threat.
What my son has gone through (thankfully, she only hunts him down occasionally now) has been traumatic and the stigma has crushed him. He is a big man and very strong. Had he abused her she would have had marks and displayed the behavior of an abused person. She never did. In front of a house full of police she got in my son's face and poked a finger in him and threatened him. The officers just watched with a smirk as my son recoiled. He' d had too many keys stabbed in his head, boots in his ribs, knives in his belly, VCR's smashed into his head, etc., to not be responsive.
The system needs to change and look at women as lethal weapons.
After he called 911 because he didn't want to strike back at this woman, knowing he would hurt her, and bleeding from his ear, his neck, his chest, his knees, and wrist where she had sunk her teeth into him, and holding her baby that she didn't even care was crying hysterically, he was arrested for "assault on a female" and taken away because, when the cops chased her down, she said he hit her. The police noted there were no marks on her at all except what appeared to be restraint marks — redness on her wrists where my son tried to hold her hands away from him. He got the stiff arm of the law — she got nothing.
They are living separate lives now (there's much more to the story) but she still hunts him down and threatens him by phone and to his face at his place of work.
She's been arrested a few times for growing drugs in her home and selling and she has lost her children to the state. So, slowly she is getting what she deserves but I believe the slow process is because she keeps getting released with lesser charges than a man would. I wish I had known about the Equal Justice Foundation while we were going through all that.
If I had a way to help push for awareness, I would.
In the summer of 2004 I was visiting my ex-husband and son, who was staying with his dad in Breckenridge, Colorado, for the summer. Before my visit, my ex and I had discussed the possibility of a reconciliation and I was visiting to find housing for my son and I to relocate.However, I learned during my visit that my ex-husband was quite "involved" with yet another ex-wife and my son was very confused about her and my ex-husband.
As a result I decided to terminate my trip early and told my ex-husband that I was taking my son back with me to our home state since I had sole custody and his summer visitation with his dad was over anyway. The night before my flight I became angry that my ex-husband had put my son and I through this confusion when he didn't appear to be "committed" to us relocating or trying to reconcile. I told him I was taking our son back with me and we would not be moving to Colorado. I saw one of my pictures on the table, pulled it down, and broke it. When he approached me, I pushed him away. When I tried to pack my son's belongings, he began pushing me away.
As it was becoming late and our flight was early in the morning, I called the police seeking assistance to allow me to take my son back to our home state. I had proof of custody, so I thought they would simply enforce the court order and simply explain to my ex that he has to allow me to pack my son's belongings. That was all that I said when I called them, I had a legal and court-ordered right to have my son return with me.
When police arrived, four of them and a representative from child protective services, to my surprise they immediately pulled me outside and another officer went inside to talk to my ex. While I was explaining that my former husband was keeping me from packing and that I am the custodial parent, my ex was inside being grilled by the police. Somehow he (innocently) mentioned that I had broken my picture and pushed him away. Next thing I know, I am going to jail, although I later learned that my ex pleaded with them not to arrest me. Needless to say, this was a hellish nightmare that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It was very costly to resolve this matter and an experience I will never forget.
What was the most disturbing for me is that at no time did they ever ask to see my court order that allowed me to return home with my son and the only reason why I even called in the first place. They were looking for an arrest, looking for a case, and mis-charged the incident as domestic violence, when it was actually mutual assault and interference with custody, if anything at all. Then the police report was falsified stating that I was living in Colorado, among other things that were untrue.
I would never, in this lifetime, call the police for anything again. This incident has drastically changed my opinion of law enforcement and I now realize how skewed and misused a domestic violence charge is.I am hopeful that police will acquire more training and use better judgment when and if using a DV charge against someone, as not every family matter or issue is a matter of domestic violence, or warrants an "arrest." I am so glad that I found your web site and appreciate all of your support during my ordeal.
A recurring problem encountered by the Equal Justice Foundation is that women who have reported domestic violence to authorities end up losing their children through various acts of child "protective" services. We don't have any valid data on the frequency with which this horrendous injustice occurs but it certainly isn't rare and the following is actually part IV in a series of EJF newsletters on this problem.
There are many variants of the methods used by a deranged Department of Human Services (DHS/CPS) bureaucracy to accomplish this. The following story simply provides details on how one such miscarriage occurred.
The story below was originally submitted to the EJF on June 23, 2005, and has been slightly edited and formatted. The author has reviewed and approved the revisions. Her identity has been withheld in an attempt to shield her from almost certain retaliation by state and county authorities.
I thoroughly enjoy your newsletters and the interesting points you make based on the merits of the courts here in Colorado. Often I find myself agreeing with many of your comments.
I would like to share with you my experiences raising children in this State.
In 1989 my ex-husband and I moved to Colorado from Oregon with my 6-year-old son from a previous relationship and our infant daughter. In 1992 we had another child, a boy, together.
One night in May of 1996 my ex and I had an argument during which he physically harmed the children and myself. He was arrested and mandated to take anger management, and not allowed back in the home until he completed his classes. The restraining order prevented him from seeing his children. Several months passed during which he was arrested two separate times for stalking our family.
However, I worked it out through our divorce that he have limited visitations with the children as I felt shutting him out of their lives wasn't fair to any parties in the situation. This was based on he getting therapy, and the family getting therapy, which we all did.
A year and a half ago I decided to move closer to the Denver Metro area. Our children, 14- and 12- years-old at the time refused to move with me, and threw a tantrum from another world to prevent the move. Then they told Larimer County Department of Social Services (LCDSS) I was a "druggy" and that I made specific drugs in my home. As a result the children were removed from my home without further notice or investigation.
Not only did Social Services take my children away but they placed them back in their father's care. The same father who had been found guilty of abusing them in 1996. I was perplexed as to how this could happen.
I begged for my home to be searched and to take a drug test. LCDSS declined to investigate further.
The LCDSS intake worker said she always believes the children. Of course, I became more frustrated and confused as to what on Earth was going on, and to this day maintain my innocence.
As a result of these unfounded charges:
• I went through all the hearings and a treatment plan was put into place.
• I was told once I completed the treatment plan I would get my children back.
• I had supervised visitations with my children and a drug evaluation.
• My drug evaluation and drug test were clean, which was no surprise.
However, the supervised visitations were a nightmare. I could only visit with my children every other week and based on my ex-husband's schedule. Then the advocate took off for 6 weeks to Italy and told me I would be unable to see my children until she returned because they didn't want someone else to sit in while she was gone.
One time I couldn't make my visitation as I had I had a job interview to go too. So my ex-husband took my supervised visitation appointment. Now why would he take this opportunity when he gets to see the children all the time? These were supervised visitations not family therapy.
From the beginning of the visitations the advocate would take the children's side on every issue.
Two sessions stick in my mind very clearly.
1. I asked my son if he wanted me to bring in his dog to visit with. The advocate asked him three times if he really wanted to see the dog. It took three times before my son backed down and said no to meet the advocates's standard.
2. Another time was a very heated discussion between my daughter and myself and her lying about issues. The statement of drugs came up and I denied ever taking drugs or knowing anything about making drugs. I told the advocate there was only one time I knew there were drugs in my house. My children's older brother, 21-years-old at the time, brought some marijuana in. He was immediately asked to leave and I told him not to bring it back in again and I didn't want the younger children exposed to anything of the sort. And that was done.
I didn't even get a chance to speak any further as I was told to be quiet by the advocate.
She sat there and changed all the words I had said. Then told me my relationship with my children was toxic and she didn't want me to be around my own children. I couldn't stop crying.
At the time I told LCDSS about the situation and my disapproval with the biased nature of the visits; the case worker told me there was nothing she could do. "She was just the person in the middle." I called my attorney and he just told me to contact LCDSS.
In addition, I had found my daughter's diaries that outlined what she was doing when she had extra time. She was involved with the wrong crowd at school and into drugs. Her diary specified where she was getting them, and it wasn't from me. She also stated her sorrow about moving closer to the Denver Metro area.
There was so much disturbing information it ripped my heart out to know all that she was involved in and with whom.
But no one wanted to look at her diaries even though they would have unequivocally proven my innocence, in addition to the drug evaluation, alibis, and negative drug tests I had been put through.
• I didn't hurt my children, call them names, or even threaten them in anyway. No one had wanted to confront the destruction of the family unit. Now, I can't even see them.
• I've only seen my children a total of 4 times from January 26, 2004 to the present.
• These were supervised visitations not family therapy.
• I completed and passed my portion of the treatment plan successfully. The case was closed September 2004 with my ex-husband being given physical custody.
• The LCDSS's mission according to my attorney "is to preserve the family unit." What happened in this case?
I took all my documentation, my therapist who had met with my children in the past, and we went to the Colorado Attorney General's Office in February 2005.
Ironically, this was even more interesting. I presented the following documentation to the attorney general's representatives:
• All my ex-husband's convictions for crimes against our children and myself. Three different incidents in 1996.
• I had the dates of which I took my children to the doctor.
• I had my therapist from 2002 as a witness.
• I had close family friends as witnesses.
• Information on my drug evaluation and drug tests, which all were negative.
• Information regarding my daughter's medical history of bipolar disorder.
• Many letters from friends and family that knew me very well and the family situation, and would have testified that I don't take drugs and I was a very diligent mother in raising them with a healthy value system.
• Even more disturbing, my daughter's diaries that would have even further proven my innocence as well as confirmed there were some real mental issues that needed to be addressed.
• Now my children and their father have accused me of abandoning my children. Of all things.
I was told all along no one wanted to see this information as it wasn't important. However, the Colorado Attorney General's office was more than happy to review the documentation and personal accounts. They concurred that there were a myriad of questions that needed to be investigated and asked the following:
1. Why wasn't the therapist who knew my two children and I for two years before these events spoken to as a part of the LCDSS investigation? This would have shed a tremendous light on the family dynamics.
2. Why were my children placed in the home of a parent who had three convictions for abuse? [EJF note: More commonly what happens in such cases is that the children are placed in a foster home. That is usually a much worse option for the children but brings in more money for the State and County.]
3. Why weren't any of my witnesses, two of them professionals, interviewed during the time of the investigation?
4. Why was the advocate crossing the boundaries of supervised visitations and family therapy when the court order from LCDSS specifically stated "Supervised Visitations"?
5. Why didn't the advocate allocate a substitute for the visitations while she was away for six weeks in Italy?
The State Attorney's office said they have the capacity to seal my records for the sake of employment purposes, or they could have a trial based on their findings. But they wanted to investigate the situation a little further. That was back in February. It is now almost July and I' m still waiting.
I have been blessed with a lot of support from friends that have known my family for over twenty years. People I work with, friends, family doctor, and a therapist that has known my family for a couple of years.
When other reputable people saw my documentation, and the fact my daughter admitted to lying to the authorities, many know I am innocent. Which is all good and grand, but I don't get to see my children and I have a criminal record for something I am truly innocent of.
I, for one, have no faith in our judicial system, or the people that have been trained in the system. Even further the people who create laws in this State.
Also, Larimer County Department of Social Services (LCDSS) didn't help preserve my family but implemented a wall much larger than the Great Wall of China.
This is a mess and no one seems to know what to do. LCDSS have just washed their hands of their involvement after destroying my family.
In response to the above newsletter we received the following email from a correspondent in Australia:
Subject: RE: EJF newsletter - Don't take the kids to Colorado - Part IV 6/28/05
Date: Wed, 06 July 2005 01:35:04 +0000
It happens here in South Australia too! Often the child protection service pretends to be sympathetic with the mother only long enough to remove a natural father out of the picture and then turn on the mother too! In a few cases here, the mothers were threatened with having children removed if she went back to her husband, only to later lose them anyway, but only after they could pin false allegations on the dads in question — generated not by the mothers, but by the Social Workers themselves.
I came home from work as usual about 4:30 PM in April 2004 and noticed my husband's car wasn't home yet. I should have known I was in trouble then. I walked in and my 20-year-old daughter immediately started screaming at me that she needed some personal items and couldn't find any. I walked in my room to find them and the phone rang. It was her girlfriend Christy. I told her I would have Joanna call her back as she was in the bathroom. When I walked up the hall to give her what she needed, she grabbed them. I told her to call Christy back. She called me a c_nt at the top of her lungs.
I was already nervous because this had happened to me before. So I should have kept right on driving when I knew my husband wasn't home. The previous time it was a plate full of food and silverware that I got hit with. The time before that it was cans of beer. Anyway, when she insulted me, I was so nervous I slapped her. I actually wanted to punch her but changed my hand at the last second. She came at me like I was a guy. She followed me to the front door. It was open and I was trying to get out and close it but she would not stop.
I kept trying to calm her down and told her please stop screaming, all the neighbors are listening. All that did was make her scream and swear louder. I somehow got away and went to the back yard. She followed me there also. All I wanted her to do was stop and leave me alone and leave my house.
What a joke! It's not my house anymore. She controls me. She would not stop. She kept screaming and swearing. I told her I was going to call the police to make her stop and to make her leave. She told me she would dial for me.
She kept it up so finally I made the worst mistake of my life, I dialed 911. They were very nice on the phone, even very helpful, wanted to know if I was alright, and where my daughter was. I told them I was out in the backyard and it was all over, and all I really called them for was for them to tell her to please leave.
At this point I became afraid my daughter was going to get in trouble. So I said forget it, my husband will be home any minute and will take care of it, and hung up.
About five minutes later the police called me back and wanted to know where I was and where my daughter was. I told them I was fine and she was in her bedroom. They actually kept me on the phone till the police arrived. I told my daughter to stay in her room and I would handle it. I answered the door and they walked in and asked for my daughter. I told them she was in her room, I started to walk down the hall because she could not hear me as her door was closed. The police told me not to move.
They knocked on her door with their hands on their guns and told her to come out, hands out. This was getting out of hand at this point. I hadn't been home five minutes when this all started. Two police talked to her and god knows what she said, she was angry with me. I was talking to the other two in the living room. I told them what had happened and I could hear her talking, not once saying she hit me or scared me.
All of a sudden I realized it wasn't my daughter who was in trouble, it was me.
In the meantime my husband came home. The police would not let him in and he was told to stand down and not come in our house. At this point the police officers, all of them about 24 years old, had been at our house for well over 45 minutes. That was certainly enough time to call and ask for a woman police officer to come. But no, the male officers arrested me and frisked me, patting me down right in front of my husband.
I was now under arrest, I guess due to the fact that I struck her first. Never mind that I am always the one living in fear of what she can do to me and my house, just that I struck her first.
They didn't have to do this. It was all over in a couple of seconds and they knew it. They were all rookies and looking in the book for what to do next. I asked them if I could take my anxiety medicine with me? They said no, the nurse on duty would have it. When the officer put me in the back seat of the cruiser, I asked if they could buckle my hands under my legs and not to my back as I have an implant that feeds to my spine and it was hurting me. They said no.
When I got to the police station they were very mean and nasty, except for one policeman who was trying to help me because I was so upset. He told me he had checked with the desk and that I would go in front of the judge at 2 PM the next day. I didn't think anything of it due to the fact that they said I would be locked up for 12 hours. Guess what? He lied.
I finally got through to my husband and told him to call me in sick to work, and to be there at 2:00 PM the next day as I could see the judge then. That was a lie also. My husband got there and was treated like a criminal himself. He had to wait for the whole court to finish before anyone would help him. When it was over and he realized I was not there, he asked where I was? He was told my court appearance was not until the next day at 2 PM. They let him call me and at that point you have to remember I have serious Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome with an implanted pump, and I need my anxiety medicine and had not had it. I was scared and upset and I didn't know yet that I wasn't going to court. I thought I was, and was waiting and waiting for them to call me. I was screaming at my poor husband to get me out of there, and that I know I should not of hit Joanna but she scared me, and to please bail me out as I could not stay another minute.
He was screaming at me too as he didn't know what to do. We don't have $1000 dollars to just throw away. So he went and found a bondsman to bail me out and that is when he found out you don't get the bail money back anymore. He couldn't get in touch with me again to ask if I would stay in jail another day. I think at this point he knew I was too upset and scared to stay with no medicine.
At this point I found out I was getting bailed out and they told me they would call me and tell me to stand down, which meant to sit at the table with all articles of clothing, bedding etc. folded and wait for them to call me. They told me it could take a couple of hours.
I sat, and I sat, and I sat, and all the while I could hear the guards laughing at me, and talking about me. All I wanted to do was get out of there. I was scared, tired, and cold. I sat there for over four hours before I was finally moved to another location, where I'd come in at. Then I was locked in another small room and given my clothes to change into. They were the clothes I was wearing when I'd come home from work the day before. I changed into them, a tee-shirt, pj pants, underwear, and a pair of socks. I was freezing and waited for almost another four hours. They finally let me out and I had to go to the main desk to get my jewelry and sign papers to come back to court again. I was furious at this point, and said so. The deputies asked me if I would like to wait some more? I said no, I just want to go home.
I walked outside and my husband was at the door, where he had been since 2:30 that afternoon. He was very upset himself. He had to take me to the bail bondsman to sign forms, where I felt even more like a criminal.
On the way home he told me he had heard from our daughter and that she'd asked if she could come home as she had nowhere to go. Wasn't this great? I'm coming home from prison because of her and she is allowed to come home. He said she was very sorry for what happened. I didn't want her home but what was I going to do at this point.
As soon as we got home I was out in the backyard smoking a cigarette and Joanna came home. She came in the backyard and hugged me and said I' m sorry Ma but I told you not to call the police. Also, she would not admit she hit me. I cant even look at her now without thinking of what has happened to me.
This whole thing should not have happened and its not fair. I' m not a violent person and my daughter, the one with the violence problem, gets off scot free. This is a real joke at this point and every time I bring something up my husband, or anyone else, says it all over, just let it go. Well I cant let it go. I' m the only one suffering from it, no one else.
The next day I called a lawyer and made an appointment. My husband and I went together and the lawyer was very sympathetic and understanding. He told us not to worry as he would go with self defense and that he would make an appointment before the trial with my husband and I and my daughter to see how to work this out. I was not to worry, I would not have to go to jail for 6 to 12 months as I was told. I would get off, is what he said.
Needless to say he never made an appointment for all of us and I had to keep calling him, not the other way around. I had paid him for his service in advance but I was getting no help since making the payment. My husband and daughter got registered letters from the court that they would testify for the state. So I called my lawyer again, and he said again not to worry, this was routine. I would get off on self defense, my daughter would say whatever was needed to be said, etc.
The morning of the preliminary hearing we all went together but my lawyer didn't show up. We had to go to the DA's office first. They interviewed my daughter and my husband separately. My husband was on tape talking to me in jail, with me saying I should not have hit Joanna. Joanna came out saying she would be held in contempt of court by the state if she didn't do what they said.
Still no lawyer and we didn't see him until about two minutes before entering the court room. Guess what he now had to say? I was in trouble! They had me on the phone saying I hit Joanna. Never mind the article I gave him on Paxil making teenagers violent, moody, and quick to upset. Never mind that I had already been hit by her more than once, and had plates of food and utensils thrown at me, as well as cans of soda and beer, and broken walls and tile floors in my house. None of that mattered.
It didn't matter that I was scared and innocent and had been hit and verbally abused by my daughter for the last two years. I could go to jail, this could cost me lots of money and upset my husband and family. I had to settle for what he could get me as the four police officers where there to hang me. And now my daughter, whom I wasn't sure about to begin with, was saying she was not going to get in trouble for this and was not going to get held in contempt of court. Never mind that she had already sold me down the river, god knows what she had said in her report, she might get in trouble for something she didn't do? Give me a break. This whole thing was ludicrous, a joke, but it wasn't funny.
I was scared and I never wanted to go back to court. The lawyer promised me that if I took a plea bargain all I would have against me was simple battery and nothing else would happen. My husband just wanted it over and my daughter said she could not take more time from work.I was scared to death, and nobody cared, so I took the plea bargain.
I still live in fear every time I come home and my husband's car isn't home. I pray that my daughter isn't there. I don't know what is going to happen next, or what she will do.
Since my conviction for domestic violence I have been applying for jobs and keep being turned down. I'd applied for one job that would have been great for me. Lots more money, which everyone needs, and right up my alley. I know they were really interested in me by the number of times they called until they got my background report. Just think about it, who would you hire: someone with DV on their record, or someone with a clean past? In this day and age everyone worries about people flipping out, killing their coworkers etc.
Ann Bradley had the following comments on this tragedy:
Judge Rosemary Pfeiffer is not to blame for the death of Sharen May. Of course, in hindsight, a restraining order should have been signed. But a judge can act only in the context of the world around her. Unfortunately, the context in which family law judges work today is one created by an increasing number of unethical attorneys assisting their clients in obtaining restraining orders, not for their intended purpose of protection, but for control of the family home, finances, custody, and to gain an upper hand in a divorce case.
Abuse of the system is a large and growing problem. I talk to many divorcing people who tell me they have been advised by their attorneys to seek a restraining order for control of the divorce. The devastation to the falsely accused is enormous. The fallout is that judges are wary of signing restraining orders when they are surrounded by a plethora of false ones.
Even a restraining order given for the proper reason cannot stop someone who really wants to kill. Judge Pfeiffer will forever regret her decision, but determining validity of one statement when surrounded by so many false ones is an impossible task. Ex parte restraining orders do not require evidence — which is why they are so easily abused. Divorce attorneys must stop destruction of families with scorched earth tactics and their clients must also walk away from abusive strategies. The words used by Sharen May were unfortunately the truth — she was in danger and her husband was abusive. But why wasn't she heard? Why did an experienced judge not see the truth? Because of too many lies clogging the system.
I was a victim of those lies and abuse. With papers in hand asking my spouse to settle and not go to trial, he picked up the phone as he had been instructed to do by his attorney, dialed 911 and said, "I need police protection, I am in fear of my life." The police saw the lie, or I would have been arrested.
Since this mission was not accomplished, he filed for a restraining order, which was served at my house on my son's birthday. Dazed by double false accusations, reeling under the pressure of protecting my son and myself from these destructive actions, my attorney and I prepared to face my false accuser in court. Our judge in Santa Clara County Court listened to my husband and told him, "Sir, you are abusing the system, it was meant for protection, not for harassment."
When I asked my husband why he did all this, he told me his attorney said it would "help speed up the case." Because of attorneys with unethical agendas and revenge-filled spouses, we overload the system so that when those who need it come for assistance, they are invisible.
The State Bar Ethics Committee needs to sanction attorneys who advise false domestic violence and restraining orders. The legal community must police itself, so that judges can do their job, and children are not collateral damage to ego and greed. Sharen May is a victim and the entire dysfunctional legal system of divorce must take responsibility for its part.
Ann Bradley, M.A. maintains a web site on narcissism narcissisticabuse.com to help identify narcissistic, fraudulent attorneys. She is a founder of DiVoRce Educators, which supports people in divorce through seminars, education, and coaching.
From: Roberta (used with permission, names are changed)
Subject: False Domestic Violence Charges
Date: Wed, 3 Mar 2004 08:23:33 -0800
I am writing you in hopes that you may be able to provide some assistance/guidance in an unbelievable and frightening situation. My name is Roberta. I am the "alleged" victim in a current DV case. My fiance Rob is currently incarcerated in County Jail.
This began last Wednesday night after attending a party at a friends house. Rob and I had been arguing and arrived home in that state. I should stop at this point and explain that we both had gone through some pretty serious ordeals the past month and I believe this frustration and anxiety had been building, causing the outburst between us.
After arriving home we went to our bedroom. The argument escalated and some pretty ugly things were voiced. I at this point was so outraged that I tried to strike Rob who immediately put both his arms up to defend himself. In doing so he caused me to trip over a clothes basket that was directly behind me causing me to semi fall and scratch my back on the bed post. I freaked out at that point and pushed past him to get out of the room, knocking a shelf over in the process. Rob then grabbed his coat and responsibly left the premises. My 19 yr. old son, who had been out in the living room through all this, took off after him to make sure he was okay.
I was still angry picked up the phone and dialed 911, realized what I was doing and hung up thinking the call was never completed. I still have no idea what possessed me to do so other than intense hurt from what had been said.
The police arrived at my door apprx. 15-20 minutes later. I told them that nothing was wrong and that the 911 was an accident. The officer responding said that he could see that I was visibly upset and that he would like to come in and check out the house. I said that there was no need for that but he insisted that since a 911 had been placed he had every right to investigate if he felt there was a problem. Upon entering he asked me who Rob P___ was. I asked why he would want to know that and he said that the phone registered that name. I told him Rob was my fiancé and that he occasionally stayed here. He then asked if my son was home and if he had done something to me. I said no he was not home and that there was no way he would ever do anything to me. He at this point caught something on his radio and stepped any for a few moments. Coming back he then asked me if Rob was still on the premises, I said he was not. He asked if Rob had hurt me in any way which I told him no. He then, and this is so weird it's almost funny, wrote on a piece of paper and handed it to me. It said "Are you alone and able to talk?". In the back of my mind I' m thinking this guy watches way too many movies but told him yes I was alone other than my daughter who was asleep upstairs.
He then told that I was going to need to cooperate with him if he was going to be able to help me. I said I needed no help and would he please leave. He said that he had seen the mark on my back (I was wearing pj bottoms and a tank top) and knew that Rob had done that to me.
He said the dispatcher had told him that Rob has a warrant against him and that he also had a serious history of domestic violence (the warrant was for failing to fulfill a traffic situation obligation and his history of DV's consisted of a ticked off girlfriend years ago filing charges against him. These were thrown out of court and the girl was ordered to have a psychiatric evaluation).
I believe this is where the true insanity started. That upon reading that there had been previous charges filed against Rob this officer was out to get a women beater. He again asked if Rob had hurt my back and I again told him no. I told him what had actually happened and the weird thing is that this seemed to fuel the fire. He said "Oh, so he did strike you?" I again said no and said that I had tripped. He asked how the shelf in my room got knocked over and I told him I did it getting out of the room. He said "So Rob was holding you against your will in that room?" I said no, that I just wanted out and wasn't willing to give him a chance to move.
He then asked me about some marks on my neck. At first I didn't know what he was talking about and turned to look in the mirror behind me. I explained that those marks were from last week when, in a hurry to get my clothes changed and to an appointment, I had caught my necklace on my sweater while taking it off and scratched my neck. He said it looked as though Rob had tried, at one point to choke.
He was asking a million questions at once and becoming quite aggressive, freaking me out more than a little. He asked me if Rob had ever threatened me with injury or death. I said "Are you serious? Oh yeah, he does that on a regular basis." He then starts writing in his report book, which he's been doing since he arrived, and says so he has threatened you. I felt like screaming but said I had not been serious and that it should have been obvious. He responded that threats like that are serious as is holding someone against their will and doing them bodily harm. He said he had noted all these things and that they would find Rob and arrest him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I kept thinking I was going to wake up any minute and realize that this was a really bad dream.
At this point he and another officer searched my house top to bottom, finding nothing. He said he was going outside for a minute and would be right back. Upon returning he had another officer with him and they told me that they had a dog out looking for Rob. They wanted to check the house again in case "Rob had snuck back in". The officer also said he would like to photograph my back. I said no, that there was no need for that. He said if that were true then I shouldn't mind and followed me into the kitchen while taking pictures. They then searched my house a second time.
He came back downstairs and asked me if I would make a statement and I said no I would not. He then said that they would be right across the street if I changed my mind or needed anything and to call them if Rob called or came back.
At this point it is now around 4am, at 5 am the officer calls me and asks if I' m alright. I tell him yes I am and am trying to get some sleep. He asks again if I would like to make a statement and I again say no.
At 8 am he arrives back with the Chief of Police and asks for a statement. I tell both of them no and say that nothing happened and they leave.
I knew exactly where Rob had gone, down the street to a friends house. I also knew that he would be calling me, which he did. I told him what had happened and that the police were looking for him. I said that we needed to talk and figure out what to do as this had gotten so out of control. He felt that they had most likely read that old report and neglected to read the whole thing and that it had been dropped. He came back to my house and we were both in shock at how a fight and more than a little stupidity on my part had so quickly gotten out of control.
At apprx. 6 pm Rob and I were standing in the living room, curtains closed like criminals, and there was a bang on the door. I instinctively pushed Rob into the bathroom he was standing by and my door flew open. The same officer came bursting into my house seeing my daughter just dart into the kitchen. He yelled "Who is that?" moving forward while unsnapping his gun holster. I yelled "That's my kid!". He then saw Rob and hauled him back into the living room and arresting him. He is being charged with unlawful imprisonment, bodily harm, impeding a 911 call and two other misdemeanors.
At this point I need to tell you that in all of our relationship neither one of us has ever so much as raised a hand to each other. There has never been a DV 911 call made by myself to this or any other home I've occupied.
The only thing we are guilty of is having human emotions and the fact that I was stupid enough at the time to pick up that phone.
We do not have a lot of money but I have obtained a lawyer who in turn referred one to me. Rob's council seems to feel that, like the officer, the DA on this case is looking at the old report and is basing his decision on that. Oh, and you want to know what the real kicker is in all this? The Mother of the girl who made up that story works in the very same courthouse that Rob's being tried in. Our attorneys seem to think that she has been a major influence in Rob officially being charged today. This is a woman that has worked with everyone of the people involved. They take coffee breaks together for crying out loud! I' m told there is no way to prove she has any influence over this case.
So, I guess I' m writing to you, after reading your article on the Equal Justice Foundation web site, in hope that you may know something or someone that could help us. This isn't the way the law is supposed to work and although I think that officer had my best interest in mind he went way too far.
It scares me to think that the DA's office think that they have enough probable cause to go ahead and file charges. They have no statement or any signed document from me and we have a signed statement from my son and from the friends Rob stayed with that night. This feels like the Twilight Zone to me right now. I feel I need to do everything within my power to keep this from getting any worse than it already has. Please help if you can with any advice, online/state groups, advocates or anything you might think useful I would so appreciate it. I feel so frustrated and need to do as much as I can for Rob. Thank you.
From: Lynn Hyer
Date: Tuesday, 8 July 2003 07:25:51 EDT
Subject: How can I get my children back?
I don't know where else to turn. Perhaps you can point me in the right direction. My husband has been accused of sexually abusing my children (6 & 14). They are my natural children, and he is my second husband.
Without getting into all of the details, let me just say that I believe he is innocent. I believe my youngest daughter has been led down a bunny trail & I think my oldest daughter saw this as a chance to get to be with her daddy. She & my husband don't get along & I don't think she realizes the seriousness of these allegations.
My girls were kidnapped by CPS in March. Due to some very poor legal advice, I allowed my girls to go live with their natural father & his wife in Germany, since he is in the Army.
Now I find out that I don't really have a chance of getting my girls back. I was led to believe that this was a temporary measure, just to get them away from the whole situation. Now I've found out that I will probably never have them again, except for visitation.
As a matter of fact, I was supposed to have them for visitation starting July 1st. CPS tried to cut off my visit. I still don't have them. Originally I was supposed to have them for 30 days.
My husband has been charged with aggravated sexual assault and indecency/fondling. He has never spoken to anyone — not CPS, not the police, not the D.A. — no one. Yet, it has been decided that he is guilty. I have been told, by a CPS worker, that even if he is found not guilty in a criminal court of law, as far as she & CPS is concerned, he is guilty, period, and will be treated as such for the rest of his life.
I have been told that I have to divorce my husband and not only that, I have been told that if it is found out that I am seeing him, that I will be charged as well. CPS contacted the D.A. and got a restraining order to prohibit him from seeing the children while they are here for visitation — I was expecting that — but also against him seeing me! I can't help but feel that this is illegal. I never thought that someone else could file a restraining order to prohibit a husband and wife from seeing each other, if neither of them wished it to be so.
My husband requested a court appointed attorney, as he cannot afford one, but has never seen one. That was over a month ago. He was never notified of the Grand Jury hearing, nor was he allowed to present his side of the story. I feel like he is being railroaded in a kangaroo court, where the judge does whatever CPS recommends. I cannot believe that an organization could have so much power. Our lives have been shattered. Nothing will ever be the same. I cannot contemplate the fact that I may never have my girls again. In fact, I believe that CPS will eventually try to terminate my parental rights, the way things are going so far.
I don't think I could live with myself if I abandoned someone I love, whom I believe is innocent. I honestly believe, with all my heart, that my husband did not commit these heinous crimes. But I have been told, by my attorney, by family, by friends, to cut all ties to him. My own family is actually mad at me because I am standing beside him. Our church has abandoned us. This issue is just "too heavy" for them to handle. Of course, they' re praying for us, and we appreciate the prayers. We feel that only God can get us out of this mess. Daily I pray that the truth will be revealed, that we will find wise counsel, and that God will guide us through all of this.
I don't know where else to turn. I have prayed that this case would come to the attention of someone who would tear down the walls of power CPS has erected around itself. I pray that legislation would be passed to take away this power. All over the country, there are parents like us who have been victimized and persecuted by CPS. What has our country come to, that we could be treated like this? I believe this organization was begun with good intentions, but somehow it has evolved into a monster that has gotten out of control.
My husband may very well spend the rest of his life in prison, even though there isn't a shred of evidence. My attorney told me that it isn't fair and it isn't just, but that this is the way it is.
I am overwhelmed. I thought we had Constitutional Rights. I believed that a man was innocent until proven guilty. I thought that if someone was found innocent in a court of law, that he could not be tried again. I have found out that isn't so. That he can be tried in civil court for the same crime, or maybe not even that, but branded as a sexual offender.
I thought that evidence had to be real evidence, not simply the opinion of one person. I thought that was hearsay. Apparently it isn't hearsay in family court. I thought I had parental rights, until my children were stolen away from me. I thought I was a pretty decent parent, until I was characterized as having "poor parenting skills" by someone who had never met me. I've been a mother for 14 1/2 years. I've raised my children through every situation imaginable. I was an Army wife for 12 years — and if that doesn't take strength, skill and imagination, I don't know what does. I feel like we are living in a "Big Brother" world. I' m just waiting for the cameras to be installed in our homes.
From: Lynn Hyer
Date: Thursday, 10 July 2003 14:19:31 EDT
I got my kids yesterday afternoon. It is so wonderful and heart-breaking to see them. I got my first unannounced visit from CPS this morning — I had just gotten out of the shower & was still in my bathrobe.
I was informed that in order to have any kind of relationship with my kids, I have to divorce my husband and sever all contact with him, period. I asked her what difference it made, since they've already decided I' m not going to have custody of my kids. She said I still have a chance. Up until now, they've been pretty much saying I don't really have a chance, now they' re taunting me. But I have to get divorced. I told her it was a violation of my religious beliefs. She said that unless I get divorced, I can't see the kids. I take that to mean they will recommend that my parental rights be violated.
I' m a little overwhelmed at the moment. You can put an email link on my story if you like.
Date: Thursday, April 10, 2003
I recently did a search on Yahoo on the words, "restraining order," and came across your site. I found it very informative, and amusing in an extremely ironic way. Because, you see, I am a woman who was thrown in jail by a man who fits the definition of BPD on your web site. I am now in the position of having to spend $5,000-6,000 (at least) in attorney fees to fight what is essentially a manipulation of the current laws by my ex-boyfriend to extract vengeance. I am frustrated, humiliated, and angry that I am given no recourse now but to prove my innocence. So, you see, it's not only women who are "working" this system to their advantage.
When I was in jail, I was truly shocked at the stories of the women who were jailed for "domestic violence." One poor woman had called the police herself only to have them arrive and put both of them in jail, leaving the children with no explanation or understanding. This trend will perhaps contribute to revision of these laws quicker than anything else.
I must tell you that I grew up in a home where real domestic violence occurred weekly. When my mother would call the police, they would invariably arrive to witness the result, but my father was wise enough even in a drunken stupor to settle down before the police got there. The police would then tell my mother it was too bad they didn't witness the incident, as their "hands were tied" in the eyes of the law. Now, as society overcompensates for the inaction in generations past, the pendulum has swung too far the other way, and peoples' rights are being blatantly abused. Please note that I say "people," not just men . It is a shame for all concerned. I have no doubt that the pendulum will eventually settle at a balanced point.
In the meantime, good luck in your endeavors. We must all be wary of these laws.
Before I was afraid to read anything to do with domestic violence because of it's interpretation of what part men and women take in a situation. My husband got sent back to prison on a parole violation because of an argument we had.
I don't know if anyone can help us but I am trying everything. My husband pled guilty in 1998 to simple assault [involving domestic violence] and was sentenced to 3 years in the Department of Corrections, he was then in Community Corrections, ISP, then parole. On August 28, 2002 he was arrested for simple assault, false imprisonment, and criminal mischief, the DA said she would drop the other two if he pled guilty to simple assault, which is a misdemeanor.
Then we had to deal with parole. His parole officer served him with a complaint with the three charges above and 14 other counts which basically came down to missed UA's and taking his antabuse. The parole officer told him that what they were doing was cleaning out his file. My husband was never told of any of these missed UA's or antabuse and they had happened in 2001, January of 2001.
The DA led us to believe that if he was to plead guilty to simple assault he would get work release and his parole officer told me that he would get ISP.
He never laid a hand on me but by the time you're done plea bargaining with the DA who asks "What would you like to see happen?" I answered "I would like to go to counseling, I would like my husband to attend a parenting class, I just want my marriage and family to get help." Now what I don't understand is why she asked me anything? She never listened to me, she was too busy giving my husband the shaft. And now my world has been turned upside down. Your web has been a vote of encouragement. I have been reading trying to find anything that could possibly help. I have printed out a couple of different articles and sent them to my husband.
On October 1, 2002 he went to county court where he got 180 days and, if he was accepted, he could do work release. On October 2, 2002 he went in front of a parole person who revoked his parole and sent him back to [prison to] finish the rest of his sentence, which is October 26, 2003. My husband has never had any write ups, no relapse in alcohol or drugs, he attended every class that they wanted him to. I don't believe that they have given him all his earned time or good time whatever they call it.
Keep up the good work, and thank you for showing both sides, I can accept responsibility for the part I played. It was mostly my fault. I started the argument because he had lost his job, the car needed to be fixed, I had lost a child 12 years ago and her birthday would of been in a couple days. It was disastrous, and now he's in prison until October 2003. I will faithfully check your web site to see if there is anything new.
His sentence started June 26, 1998 and the nightmare still lives on.
I would have never been interested in this topic had I not married a man that had been through it. We have been together 6.5 years and married 5.5 of them. His former wife followed the now usual pattern: consulted an attorney (before he even knew she wanted out); the attorney advised her to use the next argument to get a restraining order (he threw a coffee cup at the stove during the argument); he left for work the next morning and while he was there she filed for the protection order and he was served at work; he was escorted to the house by a sheriff's deputy to get one change of clothes; he was told he could not access any of the family bank accounts (he would be jailed for contempt if he did); she could spend as much of the money as she wanted; she could write to him and call him but told him that if he did the same in return she would call the cops; he could see his kids under supervision only; pay child support for the time he was exiled ($360 a week for a truck driver); she sent Christmas cards to most people in their church, family and friends explaining to them that he had beaten her for years and what a terrible husband and father he was; she was allowed to quit her job and go to school full time to get a different career using the family money (if he wanted to change jobs he was told he would be in contempt).
After the divorce was finally final (he was kicked out in July of 1995, he filed in May of 1996 and it was final in March of 1997) she was going around town showing some pictures of proof of the abuse. The pictures were from a car accident she had in March of 1995 in which the air bag hit her in the face (bruises), broke her glasses (cuts) and bruised her chest. My husband's attorney told him there is no way to fight it. She can slander him with out recourse.
He has never lifted a finger to harm me in any way. He has never harmed the kids. If there was a tendency in this man towards violence I would have thought I should have seen it by now (5 years later). I had no idea until I started hearing about organizations like yours that what happened to him was a common tactic of divorce attorneys. There is no defense. He was guilty from the time of the first complaint. He had no protections under our Constitution. Due process was avoided and ignored. It was a sham.
I didn't mention the abuse my husband's former wife inflicted on him. The hitting, scratching and biting. It never occurred to him to report it. He always thought it was something they would work through because he wanted to keep the marriage intact. After she had him in exile for 10 months he finally figured out it was a game to her. She never asked for a divorce. So in May of 1996 he filed. She got more hateful than before. I guess it was like "How dare you. I' m in control of this situation." As so commonly happens she has done her best to convince the (now adult) children that they were also abused (it didn't happen). They were 19, 16, and 13 when she kicked him out. The only one that will speak to him is the youngest. He came to live with us when he was 16. When the youngest came to our house it enraged her. More lawyers and courts. In Iowa a child can choose where he wants to live at 14. She told him that it wasn't fair that she had to pay child support to him because he owed her. She paid $100 a month on a salary of $45,000. He paid (for the same child) $250 a week on a salary of $50,000. It still stirs up a lot of emotion in me to remember what we went through during the time he lived with us (he left this spring at 19).
This is a copy of a commentary I sent to N.O.W. via their Web site. I am trying to think what newspapers to send to for publication. I give my express permission for anyone to reprint these comments. So spread the word.
I am a woman who believes in equal rights. Yet, years ago, I asked your agency for help and you turned your backs on me because I did not have the money to pay the dues to your organization. Even today you turn your backs. The truth is the truth and you cannot hide from it.
Your organization supports filing of false abuse allegations despite strong statistical evidence from many projects that domestic violence is just as probable against a man as it is against a woman. In fact, child abuse occurs 99% of the time in single mother homes, and the reality is that child abuse rarely occurs at the hands of biological fathers, but instead in the hands of the children's stepfather's and mother's boyfriends. In addition, your organization refuses to see the truth about Parental Alienation Syndrome, which is now affecting not only men but also women. The same women you claim to protect.
I am a strong believer in women's rights. But I do not believe in taking advantage or abusing the system. You have abused your powers for way too long. Enough is enough.
Get down off your high horses and start behaving like disgruntled workers. The damages you are causing by blindly backing and advising the filing of false abuse charges is destroying this nation of families. Children need both parents, not just one vindictive and hate-filled revenging mother. Hate crimes are punishable in this country, so beware. And that is exactly what your organization seems to solely represent.
I have had it with all you holier-than-thou Feminist organizations. My husband has not seen his children in nearly 6 years despite a divorce decree that clearly states generous and liberal visitation. His ex has been caught filing false domestic violence charges. She has been labeled as deliberately interfering in the relationship with his children. She has been caught committing perjury, forgery, and fraud. She is in contempt of court orders with no reasonable excuses. And to this day the courts continue to give her second chances. She has never been penalized once for her crimes. Yet, if my husband had done this, he would have been put in jail. Worse, he is held to a higher set of standards to pay child support for two children he has barely seen and having his parental rights to be a father to them denied. Had the courts just once threatened his ex with loss of child support for her transgressions, she would never ever had behaved this way. And that is my point, you support greedy, hate-filled mongrels who hate their ex-spouses more than they love their children.
And by the way, I am a single mother who received child support. I used to call the courts to tell them to just leave her father alone. If he had not paid it was because he had lost his job or was laid off. Yet they continued to harass him despite written requests by me. I kept up my campaign to protect him, that is until he died this past January [2002] of a suicidal overdose that the coroners are ruling an accident. It was no accident. He was depressed and stressed. It was just a matter of time before he ended his life. And child support enforcement knew this because on several occasions they had to postpone court as he was in a mental institution again. Yet they continued to hound him to death.
My husband and my story are not unusual. In fact, they are becoming the norm. And what a sad norm this is. Children need both their parents in a healthy and responsible relationship. Until your organization realizes this, and steps down off your high horse, your credibility is going to get destroyed.
The truth is out there, all around you. And story after story, even from women, have come to your attention and you have ignored them. Get off that high horse and see the reality that is happening to millions of children and their families because of your blind hatred of men.
Comments on this article should be sent to Putzangel@aol.com
The following story is used with permission. It has been slightly edited for clarity.
I am trying to keep my family together. My husband and I had a domestic squabble, the police were notified, and a warrant was issued for my husband's arrest. They have charged him with 1 st and 2 nd degree assault, and the only proof of anything that they have is a picture of a broken window in an automobile.
I suffer from bipolar disorder, P.T.S.D. [Post traumatic stress disorder] as well as A.D.D. [Attention deficit disorder].
I have forgotten why the argument started and also the facts of what happened. I have tried to write to the Judge to request that the warrant that was issued against my husband be dropped. The State's attorney advocate, and the detective that is trying to serve the warrant, called my house and gave me a hard time. They basically said that they would do everything that they could to make the charges stick, and they would not stand by and let the warrant be squashed.
A few days later a detective and social worker came to my home, and made me sign papers saying that I must help the detective to find my husband and that I could not have any contact with him or I would have my children taken away.
We are in no position to hire an attorney to help us, my husband cannot go to work with a warrant for his arrest, and our house is about to go to foreclosure.
I want my family back together. I'm afraid that if I stand up for my rights to have my family together I will have my children taken away.
I have since been indicted on child neglect charges for letting my children visit with their dad prior to this incident. The children were never in any danger from their dad.
Reproduced under the Fair Use exception of 17 USC § 107 for noncommercial, nonprofit, and educational use.
As I write this, I am aware that I am probably going to offend some readers, but, then again, I have found that we in society are afraid and unaccepting of the truth, therefore taking offense. I can not apologize for what I am about to say, however I can only hope to attempt to undo the wrong that I have done.
To start with, here is a little bit about myself. Before I was married, I was an extreme feminist, with the hopes and dreams of equality, having the same thoughts and beliefs as others in the fight for true equality. It wasn't like the feminists of today, who only want to gain complete control, power, and to have revenge, destroying everything that the true feminists have fought so hard for (true gender equality). It is my hope that by posting my story and comments, that it will encourage other women, (we/you know who you are), to come forward and to tell the truth about themselves and their experience. Here is my story, as shameful as it may be.
I am a single mother of two. When I decided to leave my marriage, (I was bored), I went to three different lawyers for advice. I was asked by all 3 of them if I was ever abused by my husband. My answer was, never in any way shape or form was my husband abusive towards me. To my utter disbelief, all of them told me the same thing. Unless I accused my husband of abuse, I would not gain sole custody of my children. They also told me that by making these allegations against him, that I would get EVERYTHING and more. When I asked them how we would prove the allegations, I was told that the courts don't require proof, and to go to a women's shelter, and that they would help me, and that it would support my allegations of abuse.
Having been brought up in a very religious family, I was very uncomfortable with this advice. I was then told by the lawyers, that if I wanted the full support of legal aid, I had no choice but to make the allegations against my husband. Having no money to pay for legal expenses, I did as I was advised. Reluctantly I took my children to a women's shelter. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. On the outside, it appears as they want the public and their funders to see it. This is however, far from the truth.
This place was a form of a cult, (for lack of a better term). Male bashing was a top priority, and the administration was very adamant about recruiting yet another woman (me), to join this man-haters club. They even have a game plan on how to win in court. By following their simple plan step by step, I would not only get sole custody of my childr